discouraged & frustrated...

that about sums up what i am feeling right now and this, my friends, is why:

1) my last run of 20 miles hurt like a mother effer

2) bc that run hurt so damn badly i have:

- paid a total of $150 to see the sports chiropractor to fix a pinched nerve and work on my IT to help alleviate the pain

-taken 2 weeks off from all forms of high impact workouts

-started swimming again at the ass crack of dawn

-taken up yoga again

-purchased an ungodly expensive bike so i can still build my cardio while i am resting the impact on my very stubborn legs and weak ass or glutes to be more precise.

3) was sick for almost 5 whole days, meaning completely inactive for almost 120 hours due to my inability to stand or consume any real calories past the point of basic living, drastically setting me back from making any training gains

4) since beating back the death that tried to consume me, i have been trying to replenish my glycogen stores but have been met with sordid barriers

5) tried to run a measly 6 mile fartlek last night to realize:

-i can't seem to get into a "natural" feeling running form/groove to save my life

-my hips/glutes (or clear lack there of) hurt worse than a 90 year old women's with an extreme onset of osteoporosis would

-not only do my hips hurt worse than ever, my left knee has decided to follow suit and the wild banshee has resumed its original habitat of my lower extremities

-it hurts to walk, sit, and lay

6) i swam this morning thinking this might soothe the pain and work out some of the tension and what do you know, my effing knee hurt the entire time, so much so, that i couldn't even do my normal warm up set of 400m kick. so my workout consisted of a pathetic 1000m pull and finally a 4 X 50m sprint/50m recovery set

7) the Rock N Roll Marathon is in T minus 9 days and all of the above are not the least bit encouraging or even slightly positive.

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! really?!?! are you kidding me?! i'm just a girl, trying to get back into doing something i love that is supposed to be good for me and the odds are working very strongly AGAINST me! in fact, i'd even venture to say they are stacked quite stiffly in every direction, completely surrounding me! what am i doing wrong here?! is it so bad that i want to lead a healthy lifestyle by maximizing my ability to move in a forward pattern with any kind of speed faster than an algae growing in the Redwood forest? tell me people, what am i doing that's so wrong?! oy vey, oy vey, oy vey!

BTW: that peace in my soul i wrote about yesterday? its still there, its just being drowned alive by this bear named dismay. anyone have a shotgun i can borrow? i have some hunting i need to take care of...