Tuesday, December 16, 2008

thinking

i don't have a lot of time to write but i just wanted to say to all of my very dear friends that yes, i am going through some shit right now - internally. yes, i am going to be okay and pull through just like i always do. yes, i am still here if you need me for whatever - talking, hugging, listening, movie watching or just sitting - it may not be the cheeriest you've ever seen me, but i am always here for you and you can count on that. i was thinking - i have lost a lot in my life. some you may all know about, others you have no concept of. all in all, the holidays seem to be a reminder of those lost things when it should be a celebration of life and blessings. its I who need to change my thoughts, my feelings, my words to reflect the terms of what this time of year should mean - a time of reflection, a time of thankfulness, a time of friends and family and blessings abound. until then - until i can express those feelings outwardly in person, you should read it here...

clark
the English language, or any other language for that matter, cannot describe how much i miss your angel butt face, your ornery ways or your elbow resting atop my head in the middle of church. i miss you the most at Christmas bc it was always a time when we would certainly be together, sharing the same bed in anticipation for the morning, rising at 5AM to see what Santa had left us, waking up mom and dad with blasted Christmas music 10 decibles too loud and yummy treats that we liked to share. i also miss teasing you, laughing with you, wrestling and even arguing with you. but most of all, i miss your hugs and your smile. hell, i miss everything about you and i wish, with all of my being that i could have you back to tell you that i love you just one more time.
clara
i have not words to describe my love for you, what you mean to me or our family. i thank God every single day for your little burst of sunshine in a place that could have forever been shrouded in shadows and sorrow.
mom
you are everything to me and i love you with all of my heart. you are my most trusted confidant and dearest friend. without you, life wouldn't be as sweet and i am blessed to have such an incredible woman in my life who also happens to have given birth to me.
poppa
i wouldn't be the person i am today without your unconditional love and support in all that i do. even in my most brattiest times growing up, you stuck by me and loved me through the mean girl that i was and showed me how to be the thoughtful woman i am today.
jessika
i miss you. i love you. i hope that one day we will have the time and wherewith all to visit and laugh and play like we used to. until then, please know how much you mean to me and that you will always be one of my life long friends.
i love you more than i can say and i miss seeing you and laughing with you and just hanging out - something to get back to soon, i hope, when things settle down. i know we're both in over our heads right now (mainly with work) but things will calm soon enough and hopefully training will resume for us both.
you are one of my best friends and i am so very grateful for all that you do for me, your generosity and your hope in the face of my despair - always willing to lend an ear, a shoulder or a sofa when i need it most, can not be given enough thanks.
i miss you. you make me ponder things about myself i had not previously thought before and validate my feelings with kind words and thoughtful feedback. i appreciate all of the faith you have in me and your constant generosity. you are a person that i feel blessed to have in my life and i am so lucky to count you amongst my friends.
tonice
you don't even know i have a blog but just the same, you are my oldest friend. my sister, not by blood, but by spirit. our connection will never be broken or lost because you are apart of me and i of you. we never stray very far for very long and i am grateful to have your friendship against all odds, in spite of all the hurt and amidst all the chaos of our everyday lives. i love you. and jared too :)
eb AKA "MPC"
you know how i feel about you...don't let it go to your head ;)
roo
yes, i am still alive. i miss you too and i hope to catch up soon. you are a fairly new friend and so have yet to witness my "down" time and the "moods" i find myself in during times like these, but i will be back to my normal self sometime soon and then we can resume our fun :)
CB
you are a good man. thank you for your care and your concern, your friendship and your time. i promise to get out of this funk ASAP and resume my training just as soon as i get the footing back underneath me.

and all the rest of you crazy people who consider me a friend
thank you for sharing a part of your life with me that i will take wherever i go. i promise to remember that people like you are in the world rooting for me, believing in me and calling me by the name "friend" when things are tough and motivation is lacking. a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Cheery Kwanzaa and a Grateful Festivus to you all (and any of the others i missed!)!!! ;)

6 comments:

BAM said...

thanks kb. i know you are going through "it" - take your time and when you are ready. let's train for that ironman you signed up for, just for fun :)

Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said...

Hang in there girlfriend...you are a strong willed wonderful person who will battle her way back into the light. I just know it.

Hugs, Kathleen

rocketpants said...

You will get through it all. The holidays can be a tough time, but you are attempting to look at it through the right lens. Hang in there.

danban said...

i love you no matter what kind of funk you're in and am here whenever you want to talk or hang out

LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Jessika said...

AWWW, Katie B. I love you so much. I hope you have a great holiday...think about all of the good things in your life! I really do hope to see you this year. XOXO.

Charisa said...

Hang in there and hope you have a good holiday despite loss.

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