Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
1) my posts/stories will be just that - nice and fun and lighthearted, although i will put thoughts and feelings in them because that is what i do and it is how i write
2) my posts/stories will be about my training and non training and whatever else i can muster without getting too personal
3) my posts/stories will stick to the sane side of my thoughts and not venture near the other crazy side
i do want to thank you for being concerned and letting me know that you fear for my life. i can assure you that it is not in danger of expiring unless there is some plan out there i am not aware of. i can promise you that i will keep on chugging along, continuing to find my way - it just won't be for your criticism and condemnation because although its well meaning, its pretty hurtful and i am trying to get away from that sort of feeling. i also want to thank those of you who felt it was necessary to call me out and point out the fact that i am a very selfish, bratty princess who needs to get on with my life and get over myself. it is true and i needed to hear it. i am making every effort, and have been even before it was publicly announced, to make those tendencies disappear. but like all good things, it doesn't come without some serious work and unfortunately time - which is why i had started this blog and which is why i am going to continue it. it is my fault for so openly sharing my feelings and thinking i wouldn't receive any repercussions because of it. thinking back on it...i just went about it the wrong way.
regarding BOD: i would like to take the time to say that Paul is in fact not a BOD at all. he is a very good man, and i have been very blessed to have him in my life for the time i did. he showed me many things i would never have seen had it not been for his patience and kindness. i thank him for the things he bestowed on me and i am glad that he is doing all the things he has been dreaming of. that saying "you always hurt the ones you love the most" holds pretty true in this situation. i do not know much about him anymore so i am very sorry to have given you such an ugly impression of him. ugliness comes out when you are hurting so i guess i am the ugly one, but again, i can honestly say that i am working diligently to change that.
regarding my most recent posts: it sort of feels like it happened yesterday. like i have been feeling this sadness for a really long time but just never really let it come out, not all the way. all of the feelings i have been writing about have been there, but i was never able to recognize them because i was numb. quite frankly i don't even remember much about the first year after Clark died and then last year it sort of snuck up on me so fast i didn't know what was happening. i'm afraid of letting the numbness pass and letting the real hurt take over, but i guess if i don't do it now, i'll never get better and that's the exact opposite of what i am working towards. i can tell you though that i am getting up and working and living my life. i am not sitting in a damp and dark room wasting the day away. like i said, i'm a writer - a story teller if you will - so i apologize for giving you a glimpse of something you didn't necessarily want any part of. i know its not your fault, its that whole "train wreck/car accident" phenomenon. you don't really want to see all the blood and guts but you just can't help looking. i had been writing my thoughts on this because it always helps to know you are not alone. if by chance, someone happened upon my blog that was feeling a very deep loss, the fact they may take comfort in my words, knowing that someone out there is going through it too - well that's something to me. and three years to get over your brother dying or anyone that is close to you for that matter? well i think its quite safe to say three years is nothing in a 27 year old life where 19 of it was filled with something that is now gone. i welcome every single year it hurts, every single emotion it brings and every single memory it sprouts. that is, after all what life is about. and to be able to write about it in such powerful and thought provoking way as i seem to have the ability to do, well that's something too.
i would just like to say, in closing, that i never thought i would be able to write through my pain again. i actually didn't write anything for a very long time after this particular day so it seems that i can get a little carried away and delve in a little too deeply trying to get it all out so i can reread it and make some sense out of it all. apparently more so than most are comfortable with. i would also like to point out that i never said this blog was solely about training or triathlon so those of you who came here for that, i am sorry to have disappointed you. even the name of my blog doesn't point to anything that would trigger "oh wow, this must be a great blog about the trials and tribulations of racing"...i mean "back at it" could refer to anything from "back at fly fishing" to "back at knitting" to "back at making sense of something that hadn't before had any"...so i don't feel as if i have purposely misled any of you.
so, all that being said, and now that i know some people actually do read this thing, i will be a bit more mindful with my personal meanderings and stick to the facts in this particular blog space...like this is one of those posts that is entirely too long...i know that i have pissed off/alienated quite a few if not all of you all in a matter of days when i have been posting for months and NOW i get to know you read - OY! maybe now you will leave more comments so that i know you are there :)
if you feel you would like to further discuss my psychological well being, then you may email me. after all, i have clearly not hidden my thoughts behind any fake names to express my feelings and i'd expect that same from you. i am also taking donations if you feel it would benefit me to "see someone" as i am not in the financial position to pay for such services. please don't take pleasure or displeasure in the fact that i have moved my more personal posts (feel free to follow the link, just be forewarned, IT IS OF THE PERSONAL NATURE). they ultimately were moved NOT because i am ashamed of my thoughts or my feelings, but because it is very easy for some to pass judgement on the things i write behind the veil of a comment box, but to say it in person...well that's a whole nother ball game and if you're not ready and willing to step up to the plate and address that ball coming 110 miles at your face, you're either gonna let it fly right by or you're gonna get smacked...so bring it - i'm ready and willing...are you? i have a pretty strong gut feeling that you're not, you don't really want to help, you just want me to get help. well that's nice and all but if the bucket of "kindness and concern" keeps getting passed, then well, where does that leave me, the one who warranted all of this in the first place? that's right. right here in this exact space writing this exact blog....
2. your hugs
3. your beautiful hair
4. your very tan skin
5. the way you so effortlessly picked up any sport you tried
6. the way everyone who ever met you loved you
7. your smile
8. your always happy, laid back attitude
9. the fact that you never stressed about anything
10. the fact that for a solid year you lived off of strawberry pop tarts and chef boyardee
11. the hat you gave me the time i came to your apartment and looked like hell
12. when you called me your little sister even though i was older than you by 5 years
13. that you used to rest your elbow on the top of my head to try and annoy me
14. letting you do "superman" on my feet in the living room
15. having to visit "our relatives" together bc having you there made it bearable
16. having you come to my banquets every year even when you really didnt want to go
17. how chubby we used to be
18. the fact that you had braces twice and i only had them once
19. each time i thought i killed you (ok, i hated that part) and then you would wake up
20. your smart ass comments
21. your chilibowl haircut all through elementary school
22. the fact that you hated Woo
23. the fact that you always stood up for me
24. you always made me feel pretty
25. you always made me feel smart
26. you always made me feel special
27. your fantastic taste in clothing
28. your "doodoo brown eyes" that looked like chocolate and not the doodoo you said they did
29. your work ethic
31. your nickname "dooser doo" after the Fraggle Rock Doosers
32. your "angel butt face" nickname and the way you got it
33. your woobie
34. when you used to steal the ladies underwear section out of the Macy's ads
35. when we used to go down to the park and roller blade together
36. your hockey games
37. after we would fight, you would still love me
38. you would always sit next to me at campfires
39. you would aways want me to go first until you got older, then it was you first
40. your forgiving nature except when it came to crappy mike who didnt deserve it
41. that your favorite color was pink and you were so proud of it
42. your ever present and endearingly cute cockiness
43. the way you always stuck up for the little guys
44. how you made everyone feel welcomed and liked
45. how excited you were the day we got baptized together
46. the fact that you loved being my brother
47. that you left us with Clara and she looks and acts just like you
48. how much you loved Collin and he loved you
49. the fact that you are a hero and you gave your life for someone else's
50. that God let me have you in my life, even if it was just for a little while
...and still do. i love you Clark Anthony - always, forever and unending.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Friday - darted over to CPYPoint Loma to get in my favorite instructor's class (he kicks some serious ass) and also found out that this particular instructor is holding a Saturday session at the beach tomorrow morning! wow, what could be better?! the surf, the sand, hot yoga instructor...i'd say not much! so i called it an early night in preparation for my first road ride since getting my new tri bike. i was planning to be on the road by 7ish Saturday morning so i would be able to make the beach yoga by 10.
Saturday - woke up feeling ready to ride but leery because, although this is embarrassing to admit, i have never actually ridden by myself. i printed out directions for the San Diego International course preview and headed out on my new beauty (which has yet to be named and i think i know why - my aerobars are uncomfortable. i am having my bike guy switch out my Carbon T2 Cobras for the Carbon Strykes. i am hoping this way i can ride in complete comfort and finally name this thing!) with a bottle of Accelerade and my directionally challenged self. i stopped to look at my directions at least 3 times and still managed to take the wrong turn twice! i finally made it up Canon (in my small chain and easiest gear, oy) where i was met by two uniformed officers telling me it was too early for me to go past and i'd have to wait until 9AM to get on to Cabrillo National Monument Drive...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! can't a girl just get a complete ride in without always running into a hiccup? oh well. so i doubled back and put in some extra miles by going back to Harbor Island and doing a loop there before finally heading back to my apartment where i got ready and left to visit my favorite little coffee cafe for some joe before some Steve ;) yoga ended up being just what i needed but by far the hardest class i have ever participated in. between you and me, i think he was trying to kill us. then of course i pull a katie. apparently this was a "donations" class and i of course didn't have any cash on me because 1) i never carry cash and 2) i am broke. so i stood there in limbo for an entire minute debating if i should walk over to the donation tub and pretend to put money in or just leave. after doing the whole lean one way then the other at least 3 times, i finally decided on the latter and tried to sneak off, but by then he was totally aware of my retardedness and was sort of looking at me all perplexed like...really?! could i be anymore dorky?! ok, don't answer that, we all know i can BUT now the hot yoga instructor now knows it too. Lord have mercy...
my post training afternoon consisted of a very special baby shower to welcome Haileigh Goudreau to the family, 6 very strong and very yummy Patron margaritas, 3 ginormo beers of some sort that i did not partake in, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell and lobster tacos split between Bri, Dana and me at South Beach. Sadly, we had all done pretty taxing workouts that morning so we were yawning the entire time. when we finally decided to leave, we swore it was at least midnight only to find out it was 9PM!!!! ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. i don't even know what to say here except that i am embarrassed and ashamed of my 80 year old tendencies as as a 27 year old...i'm speechless.
all in all - pretty damn good weekend. just what i needed with my crying spells and cranky attitude. thanks you two, you are always there to pick me up when i am down rolling around in the muddy puddles of my own misery. luv u two!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
hhmmmmwell thats unfortunately lazy
have a good one
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
(updated to be SLIGHTLY more pc...6/9)
i thought of all the pain Taishi had to have gone through while having radiation pumped into his little body, all the countless nights Jane's son had suffered through during his chemo treatments, Bryan's struggle as he went through a stem cell transplant, the heart wrenching sadness Jeff's family must have felt when he relapsed, the despair Ria's children and husband felt when she died, the tragic grief our families felt after losing Josh and the completely devouring sense of emptiness and anguish i feel every time i think of how my brother was taken from me, the inconsolable sorrow my mom must feel knowing she outlived her handsome "angel-butt-face" and the fact that her granddaughter will never get to know the true beauty of her father's love...