thank you Jesus...

- for allowing me to be able to run again without pain, as i am finding, it is even more quiet time with you and maggie is loving it.
- for being patient with me as you teach me patience and the discipline i need to have to practice it daily.
- for my bible study and the book of James - the homework has really been working on me lately and i can feel your presence.
- for allowing me to see that i make snap judgements of people and i am not always right, i will work hard to be better at giving the benefit of the doubt without being naive.
- for maggie, i know i complain a whole lot about what a pain in the arse she is, but i do love her so and am so grateful to you for entrusting us with her sweet little heart...even if she is a raggamuffin.
- for answering my prayers at each turn, you truly love me and know me.
- for keeping el hubbo safe and sound, i miss him more than words.
- for leading me on a path of health and recovery - i know you are guiding me and are helping me to discern the best course of action, i promise to continue to pray on it and listen for your answers.
- for the recent friends you have put in my path, more prayers answered for strong Christian role models that i can learn from and grow.
- for loving me enough to break me down when i am riding the "highs" of the world a little too hastily
- for grounding me and showing me humility when i need it most
- for allowing me the confidence to put ALL my faith, ALL my trust and ALL my love in You.

game changer

last deployment i read books about the Iraq war (best one being The Good Soldier) and thought "why would this deployment be any different?" for some strange reason i feel closer to my husband when he's away if i'm "experiencing" some of the things through writers that he cannot express over the phone (although, so far, and i am almost done, the Green Berets have gotten a bad wrap in this book, which is unlike anything my husband has ever alluded to, as he is one of the most honorable, capable men i know and he is a Green Beret, but i digress...). except it is different because this war itself is different and this book has "shown" me that...Outlaw Platoon is a total game changer and although i cannot even write this post without welling up in tears, everyone should read it. a glimpse into the eyes of our soldiers who give everything just for us...reminds me of our world's most ultimate Hero - thank you Jesus for your sacrifice and for giving that heart to so many of our men in arms...this is one of the best books i've ever read and although, as i am finding out, it was a terrible idea to read this while my husband is down range, i wouldn't change reading this book for anything. the sacrifices our men make, the absolutely indescribable things they are forced to reckon with, all here in this book...i am so proud to be an American and an Army wife. thank you for writing this book Captain Parnell, it has been almost spiritual for me and has changed how i view, well, most everything...

off

you know when something just doesn't feel right. like something in the pit of your stomach feels...off? i've been feeling that way all morning. it kind of feels like when i used to drink and have a leeeetle too much, i'd wake up with this uber queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, dehydrated, cranky, horrible headache and running "hot". ubt since i've been alcohol free for almost three months now, that would not be the cause of my conundrum. if i didn't know any better, i'd think i was preggars, but that's not possible - i'm currently being inhabited by the monthly "visitor" and have had my period every month since el hubbo left, so that's not it. this actually happened a couple of days last week too...wonder if i need to lay off my one cup of joe in the morning. it's literally only one cup (and then i usually bring a pre-made mug of one more cup for the afternoon to work), but maybe that's what's causing the upset. IDK, but what i do know is sumthins amuck. oh and i started reading this book Outlaw Platoon, bad - no HORRIBLE idea and now that i am more than halfway through i can't stop but i am definitely sleeping a little less soundly, not worrying per say, but i think during my subconscious sleep, my mind is wondering to things it shouldn't be. so word for the wise, if you have a deployed hubbo in the woods of hell, prolly shouldn't read a book that gruesomely depicts the near death battles of a platoon on the battle fields of said place where el hubbo is supposed to be...just sayin', it's wrong to do to yourself. and on that note, i am leaving work early for a dr appt but will have to leave even earlier so i have time to stop by the house and pick up that dadnab book so i can read while i wait...sigh.

well i almost shit my pants yesterday...

yes, you read that right. i took maggie on our first "after work" run last night. perfect trail weather, about 76 and the sun was just about setting. we got to Dunbar with exactly enough time to get in one loop of the long trail. i had used the bathroom before we left the house, but was still feeling (and looking) really bloated, like i had a small baby living in there and i said to myself, this not crossfitting is really starting to show...not to mention the steroids are really effing with my bathroom schedule. so i just figured go with it, what better motivation do you need to go run than to look pregnant when you're SO NOT?!?!?! so anyway, we get there, we get out on the trails and the sun was setting at a pretty steady pace. maggie was actually cooperating for the first time in like 3 runs and i was excited bc we were making good time. i think we only ended up passing like one, maybe two, other joggers so i knew the trails were more empty than not. we finally get to the end of the big loop and the pain in my stomach that i started to notice about the half way mark decidedly increased in a major way and i thought, holy shit! i have to shit!!!! and then the praying ensued, "please God don't let me shit my britches" over and over and over again. we ran past some people packing up their fishing gear and the park ranger making his last round to clear the trails and all i could do was look for a hidden place to...well you know, shit. ugh, so humiliating! i knew it was getting bad, to the point of no return just as we hit the top of the steps to get back to the truck and i just dove into the bushes near by, did a ubber quick scan all around, hid behind a huge laid down tree trunk and dropped my pants...had i waited a nanosecond longer i would have been driving home with it in my britches, it was that close. and maggie just stood there looking at me like, "and this is what happens when you make us run fast mom, we both have to shit." bahahahahahaha. i quickly wiped myself with the plastic bag i brought to clean up after her, cleaned up my little indiscretion and high tailed it back outta the bushes to the dumpster and then on to the truck so no one would see us :( it was awful. and the worst part about it was that my stomach didn't stop hurting until we got almost home, like i gave birth to a poo baby and the contractions were still creating aftershocks...disgusting huh? i'm telling you this bc the hubby and i once had a conversation about shitting your pants and that i had never...well,  it almost happened and. it. was. not. fun. in the least. bahahahahahaha, hope you're having a good one and this made you laugh...its still making me laugh ;)

please God, help me

i am completely overwhelmed right now. with the situation with my husband, with the injury to my shoulder, with the coach telling me time off is not the answer but my shoulder screaming at me when i even open the car door, with the Open staring me the face every time i turn around, with me wanting to be better to the point it makes me crazy, with my discontent with my body and the progress (or lack there of at the rate i want) i am making, with the complete fear that over takes me sometimes that bad things are just waiting around the corner to gobble me up, for the stress at work and the slow progress of my new hire, for the exhaustion that i live with daily, for the suffocating feeling that sometimes consumes me, for striving to be perfect for everyone else and not knowing what perfection looks like for me, for always wanting more, for all of this that eats at me to the detriment of my mental health and wellness...please take this from me if it be your will, and if not, please help me to have a discerning and open mind to your will and what is best in terms of your want for the life i am leading. please help me to breathe and concentrate on you and the blessings you have given me.

forced down time...

being injured is no fun. plain and simple. but i also know that its the bodies way of saying "too much" and God's way of saying "slow down and focus on me" so that is what i am doing. my shoulder, the left one, the one that keeps getting strained and i don't know why, is acting up again and it is sidelining me. i finally broke down and went to see Dr Lee yesterday and have another appointment with him on Friday...last time this happened, it was the only thing that worked...that and lots of rest. so Magpie and i have been running every morning instead of me going to the box, which i must admit is killing me. i hate reading all the posts on the workouts. i so long to be there, busting my ass, sweating and in pain for the time of the WOD...but i am getting much better at recognizing the way God speaks to me and i know he is telling me to refocus my attention, not on Crossfit, not on the Open or people not doing the movements up to par and letting that bother me, which it totally should not for the record, not on the fact that i was able to do Rx'd that day or that i wasn't...he needs my focus to stay on him and the conundrum that my marriage is. it's constant work, on both our parts, constant greasing of the wheels, checking in on one another and ourselves, keeping our thoughts and words in line with what we truly want out of our lives together and how being so far apart affects that. marriage is some hard shit. i know we both think that and that its painful at times on each of us, in the same ways and in different ways...but God knows what he's doing, he brought us together and he will be the only one to break us apart, now and forever. He has proven that and i trust Him more than anything. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11