thank you Jesus...

- for allowing me to be able to run again without pain, as i am finding, it is even more quiet time with you and maggie is loving it.
- for being patient with me as you teach me patience and the discipline i need to have to practice it daily.
- for my bible study and the book of James - the homework has really been working on me lately and i can feel your presence.
- for allowing me to see that i make snap judgements of people and i am not always right, i will work hard to be better at giving the benefit of the doubt without being naive.
- for maggie, i know i complain a whole lot about what a pain in the arse she is, but i do love her so and am so grateful to you for entrusting us with her sweet little heart...even if she is a raggamuffin.
- for answering my prayers at each turn, you truly love me and know me.
- for keeping el hubbo safe and sound, i miss him more than words.
- for leading me on a path of health and recovery - i know you are guiding me and are helping me to discern the best course of action, i promise to continue to pray on it and listen for your answers.
- for the recent friends you have put in my path, more prayers answered for strong Christian role models that i can learn from and grow.
- for loving me enough to break me down when i am riding the "highs" of the world a little too hastily
- for grounding me and showing me humility when i need it most
- for allowing me the confidence to put ALL my faith, ALL my trust and ALL my love in You.

game changer

last deployment i read books about the Iraq war (best one being The Good Soldier) and thought "why would this deployment be any different?" for some strange reason i feel closer to my husband when he's away if i'm "experiencing" some of the things through writers that he cannot express over the phone (although, so far, and i am almost done, the Green Berets have gotten a bad wrap in this book, which is unlike anything my husband has ever alluded to, as he is one of the most honorable, capable men i know and he is a Green Beret, but i digress...). except it is different because this war itself is different and this book has "shown" me that...Outlaw Platoon is a total game changer and although i cannot even write this post without welling up in tears, everyone should read it. a glimpse into the eyes of our soldiers who give everything just for us...reminds me of our world's most ultimate Hero - thank you Jesus for your sacrifice and for giving that heart to so many of our men in arms...this is one of the best books i've ever read and although, as i am finding out, it was a terrible idea to read this while my husband is down range, i wouldn't change reading this book for anything. the sacrifices our men make, the absolutely indescribable things they are forced to reckon with, all here in this book...i am so proud to be an American and an Army wife. thank you for writing this book Captain Parnell, it has been almost spiritual for me and has changed how i view, well, most everything...

off

you know when something just doesn't feel right. like something in the pit of your stomach feels...off? i've been feeling that way all morning. it kind of feels like when i used to drink and have a leeeetle too much, i'd wake up with this uber queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, dehydrated, cranky, horrible headache and running "hot". ubt since i've been alcohol free for almost three months now, that would not be the cause of my conundrum. if i didn't know any better, i'd think i was preggars, but that's not possible - i'm currently being inhabited by the monthly "visitor" and have had my period every month since el hubbo left, so that's not it. this actually happened a couple of days last week too...wonder if i need to lay off my one cup of joe in the morning. it's literally only one cup (and then i usually bring a pre-made mug of one more cup for the afternoon to work), but maybe that's what's causing the upset. IDK, but what i do know is sumthins amuck. oh and i started reading this book Outlaw Platoon, bad - no HORRIBLE idea and now that i am more than halfway through i can't stop but i am definitely sleeping a little less soundly, not worrying per say, but i think during my subconscious sleep, my mind is wondering to things it shouldn't be. so word for the wise, if you have a deployed hubbo in the woods of hell, prolly shouldn't read a book that gruesomely depicts the near death battles of a platoon on the battle fields of said place where el hubbo is supposed to be...just sayin', it's wrong to do to yourself. and on that note, i am leaving work early for a dr appt but will have to leave even earlier so i have time to stop by the house and pick up that dadnab book so i can read while i wait...sigh.

well i almost shit my pants yesterday...

yes, you read that right. i took maggie on our first "after work" run last night. perfect trail weather, about 76 and the sun was just about setting. we got to Dunbar with exactly enough time to get in one loop of the long trail. i had used the bathroom before we left the house, but was still feeling (and looking) really bloated, like i had a small baby living in there and i said to myself, this not crossfitting is really starting to show...not to mention the steroids are really effing with my bathroom schedule. so i just figured go with it, what better motivation do you need to go run than to look pregnant when you're SO NOT?!?!?! so anyway, we get there, we get out on the trails and the sun was setting at a pretty steady pace. maggie was actually cooperating for the first time in like 3 runs and i was excited bc we were making good time. i think we only ended up passing like one, maybe two, other joggers so i knew the trails were more empty than not. we finally get to the end of the big loop and the pain in my stomach that i started to notice about the half way mark decidedly increased in a major way and i thought, holy shit! i have to shit!!!! and then the praying ensued, "please God don't let me shit my britches" over and over and over again. we ran past some people packing up their fishing gear and the park ranger making his last round to clear the trails and all i could do was look for a hidden place to...well you know, shit. ugh, so humiliating! i knew it was getting bad, to the point of no return just as we hit the top of the steps to get back to the truck and i just dove into the bushes near by, did a ubber quick scan all around, hid behind a huge laid down tree trunk and dropped my pants...had i waited a nanosecond longer i would have been driving home with it in my britches, it was that close. and maggie just stood there looking at me like, "and this is what happens when you make us run fast mom, we both have to shit." bahahahahahaha. i quickly wiped myself with the plastic bag i brought to clean up after her, cleaned up my little indiscretion and high tailed it back outta the bushes to the dumpster and then on to the truck so no one would see us :( it was awful. and the worst part about it was that my stomach didn't stop hurting until we got almost home, like i gave birth to a poo baby and the contractions were still creating aftershocks...disgusting huh? i'm telling you this bc the hubby and i once had a conversation about shitting your pants and that i had never...well,  it almost happened and. it. was. not. fun. in the least. bahahahahahaha, hope you're having a good one and this made you laugh...its still making me laugh ;)

please God, help me

i am completely overwhelmed right now. with the situation with my husband, with the injury to my shoulder, with the coach telling me time off is not the answer but my shoulder screaming at me when i even open the car door, with the Open staring me the face every time i turn around, with me wanting to be better to the point it makes me crazy, with my discontent with my body and the progress (or lack there of at the rate i want) i am making, with the complete fear that over takes me sometimes that bad things are just waiting around the corner to gobble me up, for the stress at work and the slow progress of my new hire, for the exhaustion that i live with daily, for the suffocating feeling that sometimes consumes me, for striving to be perfect for everyone else and not knowing what perfection looks like for me, for always wanting more, for all of this that eats at me to the detriment of my mental health and wellness...please take this from me if it be your will, and if not, please help me to have a discerning and open mind to your will and what is best in terms of your want for the life i am leading. please help me to breathe and concentrate on you and the blessings you have given me.

forced down time...

being injured is no fun. plain and simple. but i also know that its the bodies way of saying "too much" and God's way of saying "slow down and focus on me" so that is what i am doing. my shoulder, the left one, the one that keeps getting strained and i don't know why, is acting up again and it is sidelining me. i finally broke down and went to see Dr Lee yesterday and have another appointment with him on Friday...last time this happened, it was the only thing that worked...that and lots of rest. so Magpie and i have been running every morning instead of me going to the box, which i must admit is killing me. i hate reading all the posts on the workouts. i so long to be there, busting my ass, sweating and in pain for the time of the WOD...but i am getting much better at recognizing the way God speaks to me and i know he is telling me to refocus my attention, not on Crossfit, not on the Open or people not doing the movements up to par and letting that bother me, which it totally should not for the record, not on the fact that i was able to do Rx'd that day or that i wasn't...he needs my focus to stay on him and the conundrum that my marriage is. it's constant work, on both our parts, constant greasing of the wheels, checking in on one another and ourselves, keeping our thoughts and words in line with what we truly want out of our lives together and how being so far apart affects that. marriage is some hard shit. i know we both think that and that its painful at times on each of us, in the same ways and in different ways...but God knows what he's doing, he brought us together and he will be the only one to break us apart, now and forever. He has proven that and i trust Him more than anything. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

SOOOOO close!

so it was a pretty jam packed weekend - my first one i think since el hubbo left and i'm no worse for the wear :) this no drinking thing is really working out for me quite nicely, i'm not even craving it on long days at the moment (for a while there, i was sort of feeling like an addict, hahahaha), but i am well into my second dry month and if all goes well after the three month challenge is up, i just might keep it up through the whole deployment! but i won't get ahead of myself just yet, i know a trip to SD will surely break my drinking fast and that is definitely on the horizon, so we shall just play it by ear.

in other FANTASTIC news...we worked on muscle ups this weekend after our trail run (well, Magpie and i hit the trail, however she did not do so well on her mup technique so i asked her to please step outside so she would stop embarrassing me! her little paws just could not hold a false grip. sheesh, and i thought she was my daughter, she must take after her dad...bahahahahahahaha!). anyhow, so back to the progress...technique technique technique...its all in the kip, or is the wrists, or is the transition...how about its in ALL of it strung together line a fine tuned string quartet!!! Lordy, its a tough move to master, but with the coaches' help, i got closer than ever. i've got my kip down -hips parallel to the ground, now its the transition that i need to get next before finally performing the miracle dip that i just know i have hiding deep down inside, raring to come out! coach thinks i'll have it by the end of the week, which is a pretty tall order, guess that means i'll be working on muscle ups EVERY day this week ;)

12.1 = not too shabby. Saturday was my day and i decided before it was even over that there was no way on God's green earth that i would put myself through that torture a second time just to see if could get more reps - NO WAY! in the end, i came in second female in my gym. coachie poo had 112 reps on her second attempt. i got 95 and hot Kim got 94. now, for technicality purposes, there was one girl who was counted at 96 reps HOWEVER she did not get 96 reps and i know this because i watched her gloating little ass not hit her mark atleast 5 times. 5 TIMES! and those were only the reps i saw, i was a little preoccupied with cheering on some of my other gym mates to really care at the moment, but the next day when she came in bragging about her number over, and over and OVER AGAIN, i wanted to smack her and yell, "YOU SO DID NOT GET 96! YOU HAD AT LEAST 5 NO REPS!" but i kept my cool and just asked God to please take the disdain i was feeling for her out of my heart. in case you can't tell, i absolutely DESPISE when people cheat reps. i mean, come on, be an adult and hold yourself accountable. if your hands don't touch the mark, then you cannot count the rep...and i know this because it happened to me at least 5 times in my 7 minutes where i had to re-jump to make the rep count...grrrrrrrr. okay, now that that is over, we just aren't going to count her for this blogs sake ;)

today's WOD was good, however i was uber tired from the weekend, but i had a good showing nonetheless:

Warmup:
Dynamic Mix
400m Sprint. Rest 40 seconds.
200m Sprint

3:08

MOD: Squat Clean
3-3-3-1-1-1
65, 85, 95, 100...couldn't get underneath 105, but if i'm being honest, i knew before i attempted that i didn't have it in me today, i am pretty worn out from last week.

WOD: Complete 3 Rounds. 1 min Rest between Each Round. Every Good Rep Counts.
Rx'd weight, mup progression of band behind booty1 min Push Press (75/55) 22 ,20, 181 min Hang Clean (75/55) 14, 17, 171 min Muscle Up or Progression 5, 6, 6
1 min Russian Swing (53/35) 31, 35, 35
total scores: 72, 78, 76 = 226

200# deadlift PR

yeah, that's right, 3 reps, oh yeah, doin the happy dance ;) man oh man i wish i could call el hubbo right now (miss him so much, especially on days like today when i know he would be SO proud of me, he loves it when i lift heavy and hit new marks!)!!!!!!!!! 1RM before was 190#!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh yeah, i'm gettin' stronger, oh yeah (i'm singing if you can't tell, hahahhahhahaha!). on top of all of that, my shoulder is feeling TONS better! thank you Jesus for binding up my wounds and answering my prayers, each day as i walk with you i feel your presence and all encompassing love. i am so glad i listened to your voice and have been spending more one on one time with you each evening :) now, i just pray that it stands up to the big test tomorrow - first Open WOD of the season...7 min max burpees...makes me want to pee myself already :(

Warmup:
500m Row
15 Ring Dips
15 T2B
15 Back Ext
15 Skin the Cat
15 DB Thruster

MOD: Deadlift
5-5-5-3-3
85#, 135#, 155#. 185#, 195#, 200#!!!!!!i added an additional round of 3 so i could hit 200# :)

WOD: 12m AMRAP -  Rx'd
9 Med Ball Cleans (20/16)
6 Slam Balls (20/16)

3 Med Ball push ups

100M sprint

9 rounds total, came in just as the clock hit 12min, TG! this was a deceptively rough WOD, i kept thinking before we started, "oh this won't be that bad..." WRONG WRONG WRONG. it. hurt. a lot.

quick update

WarmUp:
Shoulder Mobility
Leg Mashing

MOD: Rope Climb and Handstand Progressions
i did one rope climb but it put a little too much strain on my hurt arm for comfort so i just stuck with the one, but i def need to work on these when i am 100% again. worked on single arm handstands on the wall, can get left arm up no problems, still working on getting right arm up, can get it up now, just can't hold it and also worked on handstand walks, getting much better at my form and free standing form :)

WOD: 3 RFT Av'd
400m Run
15 OHS (95/65) 55#
15 Box Jumps
15 Pullups
250m Row
time - 18:52
1st female done, Kyle beat me, BUT i wasn't Rx'd, although the shoulder/arm sitch is feeling MUCH MUCH better, PRAISE JESUS!, hot Kim and Juliette both did Rx'd. on a high note, did find out that Juliette cannot do kipping pullups strung together so that one day like a week and a half ago when her total score was higher than mine?! it was bc she had to of been doing box pullups to have had that great of a margin over me so there you go, mystery solved ;) the shoulder actually felt a million times better this AM, more sore than hurt rather than the other way around for the past week and a half or more so that is FANTASTIC news, bc the Open start this week and i would really like to be able to do my best so next year, when i am concentrated on actually being competitive (oh yes, it is my year next year!!!), i wil have something to bump it up against :) very exciting. oh and on the emotional front, feeling much more settled. i've been praying a lot on verse Phil 4:8 lately and that God help me to concentrate on it throughout my day and its been working. i've been feeling less frustrated and irritated with the little one, feeling a lot less anxiety towards el hubbo in my thought life AND feeling just more centered in general. i vowed that from here until i see fit, or God tells me otherwise, that there will be no more trash t.v. - had to delete Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill from my DVR recording schedule (i think those are my only two really trashy ones, i don't count Vampire Diaries as trashy...i wonder why, hopefully its just because i like it so much! i will say though that i feel physically dirty after watching GG or OTH and i do not after VD, so i will keep my inner compase set on high this week to see if that changes). so i'm allowing myself one t.v. show while i eat, if there is something on i want to watch, last night i watched Heart of Dixie recorded, the night before Joel Osteen's Sunday sermon recorded, and then Magsdale and i head off to bed to continue reading Revelations...its a very strange book of the Bible. not sure how i feel about it yet, but i will read it until its done and then i think i will move on to my favorite book of the bible Phillipians :) XOXO

WOD 2/21/2012

WarmUp:
Hip Mobility/Shoulder Mobility
Dynamic Warmup

MOD:
Back Squat
75%-80%-85%-90%-95%
5-5-3-3-3

65#, 95#, 115#, 125# - didn't get to last set due to time

WOD: 21-18-15-12-9-6-3
Power Snatch (115/75) 55#
Wallballs (20/16) 8#
Donkey Kicks
Scaled weight - movements actually didn't tweak me at all, which i was surprised at, kept it light and worked on form. iced the shoulder last night and directly after WOD, constant application of tiger balm and took a Celebrex with breakfast, praying it helps so i can be competitive in the Open (starts tomorrow). 

WOD 2/20/12

PVC Warmup
10 Hollow Rocks
10 Candlesticks
10 Mat Rolls
10 Roll Ups
10 Good Mornings

MOD: Clean and Jerk
Skill Work
Clean High Pull

WOD: 15 by 2
Clean and Jerk to 2RM
10 K2E and 100m Sprint Row between Each Set

finished 10 rounds, 2,2,5,5,5,2,2,5,5,5 @65#
Nicole said to go lighter on the weight and increase reps bc of my shoulder/arm pain, my plan was to do another 2 by 2 and finish off with sets of 5 reps, but 20 min time limit ran out. arm was sore the entire time but i will say that it got less sore as time went on, i think the warmer i got the more it loosened up...which just enforces the thought that this is more due to inflammation and poor stretching than anything else. will ice tonight and see if the Celebrex Drew wants me to take helps at all (@breakfast).

so on top of the low hormone T3, we've found out i am at 78% iodine where i should be at 90% or above, so as of two weeks ago (give or take), we started supplementing with iodine tablets. i learned that, at first, taking them on an empty stomach was a bad idea, i felt like shit afterward, but now it doesn't really bother me. took another piss test on Sunday...email received on Friday - we've got detectable levels of toxic metals in your blood tests, there should be none. please do your take home urine analysis ASAP so we can get a better picture of what is going on...the shit i had to take in order to do the piss test made me extremely tired and run down (i.e. i slept the majority of the day after church and getting meals ready for the week). i. feel. like. shit. still today, i woke up feeling like a truck hit me over the course of the night. i laid back down to sleep after my alarm went off, with full intentions of not going to the box, but i just didn't want to miss ANOTHER day of WODing, so i went and told coachie poo about the shoulder/arm pain and she advised how to move forward and taking time off was not on her list of recommendations - thank God! my last coach would have MADE me sit out until there was no pain. i like her approach MUCH better and will just have to be really careful and pray a lot that i am able to discern what my body is telling me with each workout.

week off and trails

so with the onset of another shoulder injury looming on the horizon, i am taking the week off - well from Wednesday to Sunday - no WODing what so ever. runs are fair game however and Magpie is LOVING the extra QT with momma :) here's a pic right before our first trail run of the season:

we made it up ALL 3 of the major climbs this time, and it was our first time out of the gate to boot! now have you, we were running in the dead of summer on this trail before, and that first climb got us EVERY single time (well once we conquered it, but then the later two climbs were out of the question so we didn't do that again!), so that was a pretty rad feeling. i think it was bc the whole time i was thinking it was the second climb that was the doozey, so i sort of tricked us into doing that first one ;) hahaha, ohwell, hopefully that trend will carry on throughout the summer months and we can start doing two 2 mile laps of the trail...! here's the little one after, happy as can be (although those crazy green eyes are a lil' scary!):

that's all, XOXO

dear best friend,

im doing alright. been feeling really blue lately but that seems to always come and go, no reason in particular, you know me, i just go through it. i had a REALLY bad reaction to the meal plan/dairy (greek yogurt + 3 protein shakes a day). my body completely freaked out, it was like the old days, OCD like a mother fucker, couldnt concentrate to save my life, cravings to throw up, my face broke out worse than it has in a REALLY long time, totally drained of energy and STARVING all of the time. it. was. bad. so i stopped and i'm still trying to get it out of my system an entire week later! right now all im doing is organic, grass fed meats and fats and tons and tons of veggies. i havent really been limiting my calories, well when it comes to the veggies, i have set portions for my during the day meals, but at night if i'm still feeling hungry or unsatisfied, i PILE on the veggies and eat as much as i want...seems to be having a good effect on my morning bathroom jaunts ;) hahahaha. AND on top of all that, my shoulder is doing its thing again, the left one, not the one i tore, but i have trouble with both of them feeling that way, so i've been taking it really easy this week and actually took the past two days off from Crossfit and have just run with Maggie - she needs the extra QT anyway so it works out best i guess. i've also been super frustrated with el hubbo lately, not really anything he's done, i guess its just all the repressed feelings from this past year and expectations i think he should be meeting, when in reality its all just stuff i need to work through and deal with. honestly, its probably the best timing possible that he is gone now, it gives me time to decompress and work through how i really feel about all that happened without him here. i can be mad by myself, sad, hurt or whatever and he doesnt have to relive it all again. IDK. i'm such a complicated little person ;) hahaha, anyway i love and i hope you and J had a great vday. i'm not drinking or eating out right now so you will be happy to know you're GC is going to a new pair of lululemon workout pants :) best present EVER!

miss you, talk soon XOXO

vday...

first things first, WOD:

WarmUp:
Shoulder Mobility
Hip Mobility
Dynamic WarmUp
50 Box Jumps for Time
1:10 (this isn't 100% accurate, Kyle didnt have the clock going so i wasn't able to get exact time)

WOD: 3 Mins AMRAP @ Each Station for Total Reps
NO Rest between Stations: 10 Seconds to get to Next Station
Row(for calories) 36
Air Squat 105
Push Ups 42
Pull Ups 32
Situps 85
total as Rx'd: 300not a great job, but decent, just been feeling so dreary and unenergized lately...and my shoulder has really been bothering but actually didn't have any acute stabbing pains at all during the workout, just seems to be a chronic ache throughout the day and certain positions. Juliet beat me, her score was 344 but i don't know if she did Rx'd...i'll have to find out - its seriously bothering me.

now onto vday:

well i've been thinking what to write for like three days now, but nothing seemed good enough because he already knows how much i love him, he already knows how proud i am of him, that i'd do anything for him, that i try to do my best every day to make him proud to be my husband, and that i try to do my best everyday to be a better person than i was yesterday for him, for me, for our futurechildren and for God - i don't always succeed, we both now for a fact that i am far from perfect, but the effort is truly there. ive been thinking about this past year a lot lately and how absolutely surreal it has all been...i sometimes still cannot believe we made it out together, married and (thankfully) loving each other more than we really ever had. i get emotional thinking about it all, so much so, that i cant really put into words how i feel. ive never liked valentines day, to me, its always been a reminder of failures of some sort but this year i guess its a reminder of perserverence, strength, blind faith and true love...of never giving up and coming out ahead in the end. ive never in my life fought so hard for someone and loved someone as unconditionally. i've also never known anyone that was more worth that fight than he is and what we have. i know none of this would be possible without God, i know without a doubt we are meant for each other and i know God is blessing our future and laying out a path of joy, success and health for our family. all i can really say is thank you God for seeing who i really am, keeping your promise to me - to never leave me nor forsake me, that what therefore [You] have joined together...no man [shall] put asunder, and showing my husband that our marriage was worth it in the end. You are my valenitine Lord and i love you.

no time to write...

WarmUp:
500m Row
15 Rings Dips
15 Pass Thrus
15 Donkey Kicks
15 GrassHoppers

MOD: Push Press
3-3-3-1-1-1 (55#, 65#, 70#, 85#, 90#)
my shoulder is uber sore and my irritation striations are back in the left one so i decided to not push it on this today...

WOD: rx"d

4 Min AMRAP10 Right Arm KB Thruster (35/25)
10 Left Arm KB Thruster (35/25)
10 KB SDHP
3 full rounds +6

1 MIN REST

3 Min AMRAPShoulder Press (95/65)
22 reps

1 MIN REST

4 Min AMRAP15 Med Ball Clean (20/16)
5 Pullups
4 full rounds

TOTAL SCORE = 29

just the WOD...

off...

that's how i'm feeling. this meal plan makes me feel like shit...i may start the Whole30 challenge and then try to take this up again...the best i have EVER felt was when i was keto but that stopped when i started up CrossFitting again due to the high energy demands, but i think what i should have done was just adjust my veggie intake. we'll see, but i may be starting tomorrow. i'm so sick of feeling tired and sick and it has GOT to be something i'm eating...namely dairy and sugar. any way, here is how today went...not good.

WarmUp:
Dynamic Warmup
Bergener Warmup
Shoulder Mobility
Hip Mobility
Snatch Balance Progression

MOD:
Snatch Balance
3-3-3-3-3got up to 70#

WOD: 12m AMRAP
3 Power Snatch (105/75)
3 Lateral Bar Jumps
3 Pullups
3 Box Jumps (24/20)
12 rounds + 2, started with 65#, got 2 rounds and had to drop to 55#, just couldn't get the snatch movement, had to keep pressing it up at the top, so i dropped weight and it sucked :(

what a shitty birthday...

i just don't feel like writing much, i feel like complaining so i'm going to hold off for a couple of days to make sure that is still how i am feeling or if this is in passing... :(

Warmup:
400m Run
20 Pass Thrus
50m Bear Crawl
20 PVC OHS
10 Strict Pullups
10 Burpees
500m Row

MOD: L Sit
Parallette/Rings/Rig/Free/Pass Thru

WOD: 15 Rounds
5 Push Jerk (95/65)
5 Push Ups
Air Squat

On the Min, Every Min you will perform 5 Push Jerk, 5 Push Ups, and as many Air Squats as possible. Total reps on air squat is what counts. WOD is a total of 15 mins.total = 205
i'm a year older, im fatter and i have no energy, today has been a fucking sucky ass day. Lord give me strength...

WOD 2/3/12 + new kicks

all in pics...

is she trying to kill us?!?!?!

i think coachie poo had it out for us last night when she came up with this. i mean who names their WOD "Nasty Girl Sleepover" i ask you?!?!?!?

WarmUp:
4 by 400m Run
30 second rest between each 400mfinished in 9:06, i wrote this down wrong on my little board...Nicole clocked me at 9:09. eh, i'll claim either one ;)

MOD:
Review Movements

WOD: Nasty Girl Sleepover (16#/55#)
3 Rounds of Cindy
1/2 of Karen (20/16)
Fran (95/65)
2 Rounds of Nancy (95/65)2
5:30 this. was. AWFUL! seriously, this is the first WOD i actually felt nauseous during, it was the run on the second round of Nancy where i thought for about 2 minutes that i might hurl on the street. i just took the run SLOW and that settled my stomach but DAMN this was seriously no fun. i was done after the 1/2 Karen which is i knew would happen, thank God i didn't try to do Rx'd on Fran and Nancy..separately i feel pretty confident i could have done Rx, but all that together, NO WAY ON EARTH was it going to happen. of course Hot Kim did Rx'd - she amazes me...

*****     *****    *****   *****  *****

1 Round of Cindy is 5 Pullups, 1o Pushups, 15 Squats
Karen is 150 Wallballs...we are doing 1/2 Karen 75 Wallballs (10' mark, but i didn't consistently get it up there, i was hitting the 8' mark regularly...i think wall balls should be adjusted based on your height as a person...just saying!)
Fran is 21-15-9 Thruster/Pullups
Nancy is 400m Run, 15 OHS 

that's all i got...today started month end close at work so i have no time to blog, but meal plan is going better - found out that if i plan meal timing for 2 and 3, i do better in the afternoon. the whole tithe thing still has me feeling uncertain and as i talked to the pastor's wife about it, she said i should definitely pray about it more and find a good answer for myself. so i am going to read two books on it, one pro-tithe, one con-tithe...well not really con as much as it is a refute of the protestant view of tithe and how tithing is of the Old Testament...its all very confusing to me so pray and read i shall until it becomes clear what the answer is for our family. anyway, talk soon. XOXO

DNF...?

maybe...? possibly...? probably. my form this morning was sad to say the least. i loaded too much on my bar but i refuse to drop weight on a WOD if i started with it (unless of course, one of the coaches tells me to, which hasn't happened yet, but for the record, i would not disobey any one of them - they know best), so i plundered my way through a horrific 20 min AMRAP...

WarmUp:
800m Run
Hip Mobility
50 Box Jumps for Time (2:01, first one finished)
2m Weights Plank Hold (25/15)  ***Shelly will be wearing 20# Vest and a 15# Plate

MOD: Clean
AKA "Full Squat Clean"
5-5-3-3-1-1got up to 95#, couldn't get up out of my front squat on 105, but got "in position" 3 times, just couldn't come up out of it :( i'll get there tho!

WOD: "Shelly" 20m AMRAP
3 OH Lunge (135/95)
9 Front Squat (135/95)
1 Wall Climb
29 Dbl Understhis should probably be counted as a DNF, my form SUCKED. did 75# but my OHL were pitiful and my back knee didn't ever touch the ground, well once, but then i fell backward so i just went to "hover" position on those :(
6 full rounds + 12

things to note: 1) i made a special effort to work out today in honor of Shelly's bday because, well i heart her and thought it would be a nice thing to do...too bad my body hates me now for it, 2) this is SHAMEFUL to admit but alas...if i had not already promised myself that i was going to do Shelly's bday WOD for the sheer willingness of participating in a "tribute" to her, i would have had to workout anyway - i decided at 8 that i would HAVE to workout the next morning and i made this decision based on the fact that my last meal of the day CAN include 1/4C of sweet potato IF i work out the next day...my stomach totally hijacked that one and won out, hands down. for shame, 3) Hot Kim is an animal and i aspire to be like her when i grow up, 4) i told THE PASTOR'S WIFE about my intention to start tithing. nothing like having the right hand man hold you accountable. i asked her to pray for me. this is going to be hard, but now, every time i think, "nah, i'm not going to tithe..there's so much other "stuff" i can do with that money" i hear sweet Kelly friend's voice saying, "No, no, no friend. We must be obedient to God in all areas of our lives, not just some of them. Being faithful to God doesn't work that way"...damn. she is SO right. i mean, Jesus did die on the cross for me and it wasn't so i could spend more money at LuLuLemon...tear* so tithing will begin this Sunday, God please help my heart and mind to have a giving and open hand with the money You have given me to manage... 5) prayer list today includes the following:

 - Jamie's boobs, something that starts with a M and is giving her trouble breastfeeding...pray for that to GO AWAY!
 - still praying for Harlan & Casi, that his heart is peaceful and that her heart finds its way back to his, as "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder"
 - Kim S, she's sick and has a LOT on her plate..pray for healing of the heart and body for her.
 - Hot Kim's sister - she is having surgery for an adrenal tumour that is also affecting her pituitary...pray for the baby she is carrying that is makes it through and that they both heal quickly and filled with God loving grace.
 - baby Abby is sick and needs prayers for healing
 - Jamie's friend from college just recently lost her baby girl to cancer...lift them up in prayer, for a supernatural peace and love in their hearts in this extremely difficult loss and time of need.

think that's it. still have to write about the meal plan progress and my small group "thing" but i'll get to that later. right now, i need to get on back to the ol' jobarooni ;) XOXO

i had a lot to say...

but at this moment, i cannot form the thoughts correctly. it was about tithing and small groups and the "issues" i seem to have with both, but dern it all if i'm not exhausted and cannot think straight. day one of M16%BFS started out great, but is slowly and consistently falling off the ledge...i'm exhausted! and i thought it looked like a lot of food...but its not. oh how its not, each meal, save for my awesome and very filling breakfast, has left me wanting...MORE (picture the cookie monster here)! i definitely made a poor choice for meal 4 when i had the option between 3 oz of egg whites/chicken/fish...i ran out of fish and chicken so the fall back jack was egg whites and from there i haven't been able to recover my energy. at the moment i am not hungry, my protein shake with coconut milk is pretty filling, but energy wise i. am. dragging...ass. the WOD was a strength workout and i felt really pretty strong during it - i could only do the advanced weight as Rx'd is my 1RM clean, so adding 8 more reps to that, for 5 rounds THEN getting is up over my head in a push jerk was not going to happen. i opted for 85# and it was rough. i finished with a decent time though, so i was happy. actually, i didn't even think i was going to be able to use that weight for 5 rounds at the beginning...hell in the middle i was seriously fighting with myself to not drop down in weight...looking back on it, i'm still wondering how i did it. i guess that's a pretty good workout then. i'll write about my "issues" tomorrow...i know you're dying to hear all about it ;) XOXO

Warmup:
400m Run
250m Row
15 Dbl Unders
15 Pullups
Hip Mobility
Shoulder Mobility

MOD: 10M Skill Work
Head Stand/Hand Stand/1 Arm Hand Stand
HSPU/Kip HSPU
Hand Stand Walk

WOD: "DT" In honor of USAF SSgt Timothy P. Davis
5 RFT
12 DL (155/105)
9 Hang Power Clean (155/105)
6 Push Jerk (155/105)did not do Rx'd, did Adv - 85# 14:59 rough, rouGH, ROUGH!

some updates...

1. coachie poo came through! she sent me my food challenge/meal plan last night and it is, well, different. i'm not gonna lie, it frightens the crap-ola out of me. there are a shit ton more carbs than i am used to, but not a whole lot of fat which again, not used to. i am so excited/anxious to see how my body responds to this. we will take it a week at a time to see what reactions my weight and BF have with the changes. i will also be adding in one more day a week of AM WODing for this next month to see how my adrenal exhaustion copes. i'm REALLY looking forward to the next couple of months of seeing how my body is going to grow (muscles) and lose (fat). mission 16% BF STAT will officially be under way on Monday, as i need to go to Whole Wallet and stock up on the necessities. fuN, fUN, FUN!

2. WOD this AM was actually a really nice change of pace. it was a strength WOD and we worked on snatch (one of my most challenging lifts, actually it IS my most challenging lift). it was REALLY good to be able to work on form and slowly build in weight. i felt better about my snatch form leaving the gym today then ever before. confidence is key in O lifting and i'm gaining more each time we do stuff like this! now this is NOT to say that i am very strong, but i will get there...someday :)

Warmup:

PVC Warmup
Bergener Warmup
400m Run
10 L Sit Pullups
10 CTF Pushups

MOD:
High Pull Exercises
Power Snatch

WOD: "21"
Find your Max Effort Power Snatch in 21 Mins with a Med Ball Clean "Finisher"

1 Min Power Snatch
6 Med Ball Cleans (20/16)
Rest with left over Min-Reset Weightworked up to last 2 sets of 70# and got about 3 reps each in those minutes. form wasn't great, but it was def better than it ever has been!

3. the new gate is finally up on our privacy fence, the new dog house if finished (i pick it up on Saturday), and as soon as i get Magpie's new doggie oasis set up i will post pics of her new digs. it. will. be. AWESOME.

4. i have realized something major that i have grown to not like about myself and i need help changing it. i am an interrupter to the highest degree. it doesn't matter who it is, i interrupt. all. the. time. it's not that what the other person isn't important or that what i have to say is more important, i just get excited when an idea pops into my head that i think is relevant and will connect me to that person on an even deeper level and i do not want to forget it. however, this is no excuse. in the end, i am showing that person that they are not important enough to let finish their sentence/thought, even though that is not what i am intending. so i have asked God for the discipline i need to be self aware enough to stop this horrid trending in my behavior. i fear this is going to be a hard lesson learned and some serious embarrassment is going to be had, as i do it so often that i am bound to slip...and because i have now enlisted God's help and he does NOT mess around, i am in for some rude awakenings if i choose to ignore his gentle nudges in the right direction. so far this morning, i have done well, i wrote "listen" on my hand so i am reminded of it often and when i was talking to one of my fellow managers this morning, i kept repeating "listen" over and over in my head so as not to interrupt...this is going to be a tough one to break, but it MUST be done. it is rude and i am ashamed that i do it so often. i've been praying for extra self awareness when it comes to this so that i hopefully can catch myself in the act and create a new behavior pattern quickly. pray for me :)

WOD 1/25/12

Dynamic Warmup

MOD: DBL UNDER SKILL WORK

Power Jumps
360's
Speed Work

almost got a full 360, but was one turn short when i messed it up..its hard!

WOD: Rx'd
800m Run
21 DL (135/95)
21 Box Jumps (24/20)
400m Run
15 DL (135/95)
15 Box Jumps (24/20)
400m Run
9 DL (135/95)
9 Box Jumps (135/95)
800m Run16:25 had to lay down on the ground when i was done i was do derned tired!!!! loved it :)



yesterday's WOD was awesome, it hurt. a lot. best part about it, i finished first in the class, well first female...there's this one crazy dude that kicked the shit out of my time (Dave), by like 3 minutes, but oh well, i'm not counting him ;) on the adrenal exhaustion/hypothyroid front, things have been going swimmingly! i've been getting about 2 extra hours of sleep a day which seems to be helping dramatically, i've cut out all alcohol (for now, i will add wine back in after 3 months if i want to every now and again) and am only having a cheat day every other weekend (now this does not include my dark chocolate fix that i allowed myself three times last week, a girl has got to have something! baby steps people, baby steps...). anyway, things are on the up and up and after praying about the discouragement in my heart for the past couple of days, God took it from me and i have been feeling very happy, i'd even go as far as to say, joyful...and that's something new :) so yep, i'm a happy girl. and getting stronger, faster and leaner by the day! now i just need good ole coachie poo to come through with my meal plan so i have a bit more direction and structure with my macro intake!!!!! XOXO

husband...

i just wanted you to know that i love our life, save for you being gone. i love our house, i love our dog, our bed, the fact that we have plenty of money to put GOOD QUALITY food on the table, can pay all of our bills and have money left over to do stuff like the fence and doghouse for Maggie. i love that we are healthy, that you support me in that health and are healthy too. that i have a gym that i love and am making great friends there...ok, i don't LOVE my job, but i like it and that is better than most can say. i love that you brought me here and it sucked balls and i had to do a lot of digging and soul searching and change all of the crap i had about me so that i could be a better person (well a lot of the crap, i'm still working on some of it or rather working on not falling into old habits, which i think is normal...). i love that we finally found a church that feels like home. thank you for loving me, for trusting me, for providing for me, for being a man i am so proud to be married to, for never settling for less and expecting nothing but excellence from me, for holding me to a standard that i have to work hard to meet - i love that you push me to work hard, hard work is what builds character and i've got plenty of it and more coming everyday ;) of course not everything is perfect and we don't have all that we want, but damn it if this isn't the first time in my entire life where i feel completely content and...happy. really happy at the end of the day, in love and loved. i already can't wait for you to get home. i love you baby, MUAH!

been feeling discouraged...

the past couple of days. someone pointed me to Psalm 34:

¹ I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
² I will glory in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
³ Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
⁶ This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
⁹ Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
¹² Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
¹³ keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
¹⁶ but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.
¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
²² The LORD will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

i'm not fearful or struggling, i don't know what i am...just discouraged in my heart. but i downloaded some "Jesus" music last night and i sure did have a worship service on my way to work this morning in the car...i, of course, crying the majority of the time...does anyone else get overwhelmed with emotion when they try to sing praise music at the top of their lungs? seriously, its embarrassing. even at church this happens...for shame. i know i look like a head case when this happens...i mean what would you think if you glanced over at the car driving beside you only to see a tear streaked face, belting out, from what you can tell, the most horrifically off key notes you can imagine, a silly grin beneath the smeared mascara...yep, i knew it. HEAD. CASE. ;) IDK, i just go with it and try to compose myself at some point in the song when i realize its gotten a leeeeeetle out of hand and the passers by must be calling 911. watch out, crazy Jesus freak on the road!!!! bahahahaha, its so weird to refer to myself as that, a Jesus freak, but alas, that is what i have become and i can't imagine my life any other way. i used to think my mom was so dern weird when she'd put on her "Jesus" radio stations and sing away, like, really mom? do we have to listen to this crap?! that's what i thought it was, crap and now its my favorite thing to listen to! now its my husband who says it to me, really katie?! do we have to listen to this crap?! ha! and to think i've wasted so many years not knowing my God...its saddens me to no end, but that's not what finding Jesus is about - regret. its about hope for the present and dreams for the future. keeping your eyes focused on the now and not the then...knowing that what is important is where and who i am in this moment. the sky is the limit and my Creator is my guide. if God is for us, who can be against us? XOXO

ps. you may "notice" i am not perfect, i still have unholy thoughts...man oh man am i unholy sometimes, i cuss, i over-react, i let my emotions get the best of me, i sometimes am mean and gossip (especially with el hubbo), i slip from the horizon and find myself beneath the light, and sometimes i fall, but the broken limbs are no longer, just small scrapes are what i have to show now for my stumbles and a sense of knowing when i've messed up, asking for guidance and help to not let it happen again, to be more aware of myself and my triggers, and i stand back up and take another step and another after that, until i come upon another bump and hopefully, before that bump turns into something more, i can ask for guidance and help BEFORE i slip, or God help me, fall...

nothing special

WarmUp:
400m Run
250m Row
25 Dbl Unders
25 Situps
25 Pushups

MOD: OHS
Skill Work
Mobility

WOD: 3 rounds
4m of work per round: 1 m @ Each Movement
Power Clean (95/65)
Pullups
OHS (95/65)
Wallballs (20/16)
***1 Min of Rest After Each 4 Mins of Work. Total Reps from Highest 4 min Round is what Counts.
Rx'd: first two rounds = 52, last round = 45. score = 45

i think i'm going to start taking pics of the morning WODs, although i already make calendar appointments every day i CrossFit to track my progress...thought this might be a good idea to actually see the numbers and how i stack up each day. today, not so well. hot Kim beat me, but that's not abnormal by any means...she is an animal. actually Lynda beat me too...ah well, can't win 'em all i guess ;)

talked to el hubbo last night and i was pretty bratty and i am not proud of it. sometimes i fall into the trap and i become one of those wives...you know the overbearing and demanding kind. luckily, i'm just wanting him to call more than once every 8 days - i'd be happy with every or 5 days...8 is just too damn long and i let him know and he wasn't too happy about it and proceeded to defend his actions, which he shouldn't have to. i know he's working, but alas, that's how it happened. i wrote him an apology email this morning, but i know him and he is less apt to want to call now that i've shown him my irritation and projected that irritation on him as being a not-so-good-at-this-being-gone-thing-who-forgets-he-has-a-wife-who-misses-the-shit-out-of-him sort of husband. hopefully the email will help him see i was just frustrated and that i love him. well, he knows i love him, guess that's never in question, but still...always good to say it just in case.

i. am. starving. i think i've already said it but my goal is to give up alcohol for 3 months...2 weeks down, a whole hell of a lot more to go, but the biggest thing i've noticed is that i am so dern hungry. like more hungry than normal, but i am also already starting to lean out a bit and i haven't even begun to really try yet (AKA my coach still hasn't sent me my meal plan. i don't think she wants to...i think she actually wants me to be fat - bahahahaha! i kid, i kid, but really,  not much will happen without that magic so i'll just be over here, patiently waiting and doing muh thang until then...and try to not eat a barn in the process). but really, why is is that your stomach tries to sabotage your goals at just the thought of losing weight, even if you haven't even started restricting any calories yet...it's like it knows and is plotting a scheme against your good intentions to live more fully in what God views as health and well being...oh stomach, go on and settle down, i don't need you piping up every moment you get, i've got work to do here!

other than that, i got nothing...oh! other than i do NOT like liver. i cooked it again last night, but this time i used a recipe because my last ad hoc attempt failed miserably, and i have to say as did this one. thank God i was the only one eating it, but. it. was. not. good. its like got this underlying taste of a men's gym locker-esq odor. IDK, i just couldn't get past it enough to actually enjoy any of it, but i sure did want to and i sure did try. eh, probably won't be attempting it again. disgusting once, shame on the chicken, disgusting twice, shame on me...isn't that something like how it goes?! hahaha XOXO

a couple of things

1. i haven't talked to the hubby in over a week. this makes me a) cranky and pissy - which are really one in the same, b) frustrated and c) sad...i'm feeling all of these, even though i know he is busy, even though i know he loves me, even though i know he's thinking of me... i'm feeling all of this because it makes it seem that calling is too much of an effort. that this huge last week i had, filled with stress and lots of hard work and even some breakthroughs, i wasn't able to share with my best friend.

2. for a year now i have not been able to clean over 90#. i've been on the verge of getting 95# up so many times, but i always drop it at the last minute without being able to successfully get under it...yesterday i worked out with some girls that i don't normally get to see and they were strong. really strong. and really nice and even more encouraging and you know what? 105#!!!!!! it took me three attempts, but finally, FINALLY - i got my ass underneath it and shoved it up...BAM! it was bad ass...it was ugly, but bad ass none the less. awesome.

3. my team reviews went well. even my two tough ones even went really smoothly. i prayed for a heart of a teacher/mentor and both of the negative reviews i had to give came from a place of making the two employees better and it was received as such. that was huge, that i was able to guide and not condemn.

4. my review went well with my boss. did learn a couple of things that i need to work on, one of which is i need to remember that my boss is my boss - no matter how much i like her, no matter how much she asks about how i am and whats going on in my personal life, i do NOT need to let her in on it all. she didn't need to know the extent of my husband trying to divorce me, ALL of the pain i was going through...she doesn't need to know that i worry about the little one in the house for 14 hours a day and that i am working hard to try and fix the situation ASAP, but that i still get very anxious about it all. she doesn't need to know that something, anything is bothering me...she is my boss, ultimately, not my friend and i need to act as such ALL the time. this is strength, not to pretend everything is alright all the time, but to not wear my emotions on my sleeve and to do my job when i walk in the office.

5. its been two weeks since i cheated...i had chocolate Friday night, Saturday night and i just had some after my afternoon meal...all glorious. i also had a gluten free pizza on Saturday night. i'm not feeling awful about all of it, as i plan on doing a cheat day every other week anyhow, but i over did it. i am still on track though with the no drinking for three months. its been two weeks without any alcohol and i'm doing just fine. i did want some wine in a major way after Thursday and Friday...review days, but i held off...maybe that's where all the chocolate came into play...ah well. i think my coach should have my food plan to me in the next week and then that's when the true test starts...mission "16% body fat stat" will be set into play and she will determine my cheat or non cheat days...hope she's nice about it ;)

6. still loving our church and my walk with God...i can't believe there was ever a time when i doubted Christ's love for me...1 Corinthians 10:13 was in my inbox the other day "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." which really makes me feel ashamed of all the terrible mistakes i've made, but more so, makes me grateful that i will never make them again. now that i know God's love, i will never forget it, i will never ignore it, i will never walk away from it and i will always cherish it....and i hope you will too. i hope you know how much He loves you. He has promised to never leave you nor forsake you...He is a God of redemption and He will NEVER let you down. Matthew 7:7-8 "“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." just believe. XOXO

i have such a grateful heart...

i woke up this morning feeling...troubled...or maybe unsettled would be a better word. i had some pretty disturbing dreams and i felt weighed down as i opened my eyes, turned off the alarm and gave the little one a pat on the head, her big brown eyes staring up at me saying "good morning mom, why are we getting up so early? today is an off day." sadly, i took yesterday off, so today i could not do the same. she's a smart one, she knows what days we sleep in and what days we round up extra early so momma can get her sweat on. love her...i digress. i was moving slowly, i had cramps and i was still sore as shit - like the kind of sore that when you bend over and down to pick up, say a piece of paper off the ground, you groan and moan in discomfort and pain 1. at the mere gesture and 2. at the thought of standing back up, but i got it all together and got out the door in time to make my 530 class. and there, just as before, my movements were slow and laboured. i felt that with each rise of the bar into the command "elbows high and outside", i was moving at a snail's pace, the weight just barely grazing the top of my chest and my elbows barely meeting the "high" part of that cadence with any real grit. then came the WOD...what looked to be a fairly "easy" workout turned into a fairly exhausting one with burpees that seemed to just. keep. going. and when it was done, when i slapped my feet over the last lateral bar hop and i fixed my eyes directly on the clock, i had to bolt for the garage door and out into the cool morning air to catch my breath, which kept scampering away as if he were "late, late, for a very important date!" this "date" of his should have been with the inner depths of my lungs, but alas, the clock on the wall kept stealing it with each tick of the mark, telling me where i stood in the midst of the other athletes sweating it out beside me. thankfully i was the first one done, so i had all that outside air all to my self and i took it all in as i plopped myself down, hunched over on a tire as i tried to tell the coach my time and weight.

i left the gym still feeling unsettled, not knowing why and then the doubts started to creep in...what did i forget to turn off? did i remember to lock the back door? what if the lamp i left on for Magpie gets knocked over and starts a fire? what if there's a fire and she can't get out and the firefighters don't know she's in there?...all of this after i had just thanked God for protecting us and keeping us safe, for laying out a path of success, courage and love that he will continue to guide us down...the devil had seeped into my quiet time with the Lord and was making me anxious over matters i could not currently control. teasing me, to doubt my Saviour's love for me and his presence in every aspect of my life...i continued to struggle with the feelings and thanked God fervently for his blessings and protection. it wasn't until i got to work and was getting ready in the bathroom that a woman i normally chat with as i apply my makeup over my conditioning inspired cherry cheeks said to me, "that devil, he's tempting and testing you today." and i knew, i knew she was right and it brought tears to my eyes and i thanked God for sending me the message in spoken word and i knew right away he was there with me, that he had never left and that Maggie and our house would be just fine this day. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

i am grateful for my relationship with God, for him moving me to a place where i would have to rely on him and no one or nothing else. i am grateful for my family, my dog, our many many blessings - food on the table, a gorgeous house, vehicles that get us to and from, jobs that pay the bills and then some, clothes on our backs, shoes on our feet, and most of all for a husband that i truly love with all of my heart, for giving me the strength to stand by that love and fight for it with all my might and when my might was exhausted (which didn't take long), that God gave me his might and we fought through it together. i have such a grateful heart. today and always. XOXO

Sunday's sermon...

it was a good one and one that the hubby and i always wish the church would talk about...the Pastor used 1Corinthians6:12-20 to make his point, point being that you can desecrate the body by not taking care of it as God intended - either by sexual promiscuity and/or by food. death by sex, death by food, both are a death that God has not intended for any of us. the church often talks about sexual immorality (and i find, for good reason...wish i had listened sooner before i had nothing special left to give to the man i truly love...really something to think about and something i will have to pray about instilling in our children when the time comes...sex isn't just sex, no matter what anyone says and it will ALWAYS damage your heart in one way or another if its not with your soul mate. i truly believe this and i would take back every single immoral sexual decision i've ever made if i could...but alas, my past is my past and is what got me to the place i'm at now and that i would not change...unless it would have gotten me here sooner, but who knows? God knows and i'm right where he's meant for me to be. i am content with that. i am a new creation in Christ by His Mercy and all has been forgiven...took me awhile to grasp that concept and i have to admit i still struggle a bit with it, but it's real. His Love is real and for that i am forever grateful), but the Pastor's rarely touch on gluttony. the hubby thinks its because usually half of the patrons are overweight by any standard and they are too afraid to ruffle any feathers...i mean if you get people pissed off enough, they stop giving their money and since the church runs on the generosity of its members, pissing people off is sort of frowned upon i'm sure, BUT this sermon was special. the Pastor went about it in a way that fired people up, and when you fire people up, motivation and courage take hold and things get accomplished - in this case, weight will be lost and treating our bodies like the gift God has given us will occur. we are, after all, only managers of these bodies and this money on earth...it all belongs to God and we were given it by the blood of Christ. i still struggle with this one as well. having an eating disorder for the better part of 10 years, bulimia, is just as gluttonous as the obese woman sitting next to me in the auditorium, i was just more vain in the light of day, or the darkness of the bathroom toilet, whichever synonym you prefer...i tried for years and years and years to break the hold food had on me, but you know what? i could never pry myself from the icy cold fingers of addiction...until i found Christ, until i accepted His Grace, recognized the freedom following His Word gave me in every aspect of my life and believing that He will never leave me nor forsake me in anything i do, wherever i go, whomever i am with, he is always there, always encouraging me, always guiding me and ALWAYS loving me, i just had to choose to hear him and once i did...i. was. free.

now i still struggle with the urge to run to the toilet every so often if i've eaten more than i should or i've eaten something i know i shouldn't have in quantities that were much too much for any individual leading a life in control, but that's when i pray. i pray hard. i pray often, and i pray with love (breathing also helps in this moment too, not allowing the panic to take over, slowing down to realize that its not the end of the world). in return, i continue to have strength and when i'm faced with the situation again, i remember how it felt the last time, the struggle i had, and how i may have let myself down just a little by overindulging too much...and this time its easier to eat less. prayer is the most powerful tool i've come across on this journey of health and well being that i am constantly on and i am so grateful to have found it. that and giving up gluten/processed foods laced with chemicals AKA the devil disguised in a food suit...

anyway, the point of the post was that i appreciated our church taking a stand for the health and well being of our congregation. its about time and i applaud the balls it took to stand before the sad faces looking for acceptance, encouragment, understanding and help. i also applaud those who recognize there needs to be a change within themselves and they begin to take the steps mandatory to enact those changes. its never easy to hear "you need to lose weight" but its even harder to pick up a ringing phone to hear "so and so has died of a heart attack/diabetes/cancer/what-have-you, his/her heart couldn't support his/her weight/lifestyle/what-have-you..." its time to wake up. life is too damn short to do what you want all the time because it feels good or because it tastes good. its time to man (or woman) up. make the changes and live a long, fit and healthy life. YOU ARE WORTH IT. i believe in you and God believes in you, so much so that He came to earth and died on the cross for you so you would have the opportunity to live it. daily.

XOXO

totally missing my beho today

a lot. left early from work yesterday due to the onset of the white stuff and as a bonus got to play outside with the little one and her favorite toy in the universe...the tennis ball...and she went nutso in the snow. i think it actually gave her more energy, like somehow the snow seeped in through the pads of her feet and gave her some wicked bounce in her already peppy run. it was funny to watch. the hubby would have enjoyed that. i also gave the a-okay to start the building project and $420 bones later (plus whatever its going to cost me for the gate) we shall have a doggie oasis for the little one in the next two weeks or so. this is going to take a HUGE amount of stress off me although it puts us a little off financially, but God has blessed us with the little extra I've squirreled away for just such an occasion (ok, not really, that money was to buy new LuLu stuff...alas, Magpie wins out on this one, lucky dog!). woke up this morning sore as shit only to find out the 530 class was cancelled due to black ice on the roads so i got the little one all fed and out for her morning jaunt up the hillside and crawled right back into bed with the plan of coming to work today around 1030 to bypass the bad morning weather and the crazies on the road during rush hour. fantastic idea, except it made me miss the el hubbo even more. hopefully this weekend is productive and i find a fix for this gate idea without too much hassle. would be nice to hear that the hubby has gotten there safe, so i'll be praying to hear his voice soon...XOXO

things i need to remember...

1. got a PR on my clean today - 90# (attempted 90# split jerk from the clean, but couldn't get full extension at the top. two separate attempts and failed both times. moved to the rack to try but then ran out of time and the WOD started.)
2. decision for SD, this is a big one. i'm feeling really unsettled about it for some reason even though the flight plans and what been worked out...don't know why, but it just doesn't feel right. i have asked God for guidance and know he is laying out a path in front of me for the best.
3. plan for the little one. its gonna cost me. big. but, it has to be done. right now her living situation while i'm away at work is unacceptable. i may or may not be considered an abusive mother...and she's only a dog :(
4. miss my husband. miss my best friend. miss my sounding board and my heater. too bad they're all the same person and that person is playing in the woods for the foreseeable future. ho hum. will be good to have him back in October, that's for sure.
5. supposed to snow today, wonder if it will happen. snow day tomorrow??!? yes, please :)
6. current weight with clothes and vans on = 132 (ugh). current bf = 25.1% (which i have to admit was lower than i was expecting. the hubby and i guesstimated about 30%, guess i have more lean mass on me than i thought, which is fantastic news!).
7. Nicole says i cannot have my NOW protein any more bc of the fructose content and soy derivatives. i may cry at this news. its the only protein i've found that works in my system. anyone out there have any suggestions on protein isolate that is crap free? i CANNOT do concentrate, it stops me up something good and create a bloatation device around my stomach that could provide buoyancy if i was left for dead at sea...just sayin'
8. goals for the year 2012 physically: 16% bf that is maintainable (totally do-able, thank God for providing me with a great gym and coaches), 95# ground to OH, 2 muscle ups in a row, walk/run the little one at least 3 days per week.
9. goals for the year 2012 financially: pay off rest of car loan (yippeee), then start putting all extra money towards the pay off for the hubby's truck. next up, save for a new car, pad the savings and start investing as soon as those two bills are obsolete.
10 goals for the year 2012 spiritually: join some kind of bible study, read at least 3 new books with some substantial meaning while the hubby is gone, get as much sleep and rest as possible to heal from the strain i've put my body through the past decade or so, and have quiet time with God every single day.
11. make fun of the Pristine Army Wife, or as she shall now be called - PAW for being an idiot.
12. write in my blog at least each day of the week (save for the weekends) so i have some sort of record of this year since the hubby won't be here to witness all of my mishaps, shenanigans and fun ;)