i woke up this morning with a plan. today was a day i had not been looking forward to. it comes every year and every year i handle it differently, horribly, sadly - but this year i had a plan. i took the day off from work and began what will now be known as the Annual Superman Memorial ride. this year, being the first, i had Brian help me map out a route. i aired up my tires, filled up my water bottle, and suited up for what was to be my first real physical crack at releasing the pain. i mounted my bike, closed my eyes and breathed so deeply my lungs ached with the desire to release. i held it, experiencing the uncomfortableness it produced, welcomed the sting it radiated through my lungs and finally - when there was no more question - i released. the bad black air of my sadness, hurt and anger flowed through my mouth until i could actually feel it leave my soul. i took in the clean white air of peace and acceptance and felt it move through my spirit in waves of green and blue, filling the spaces and washing away the awful nightmares of the previous hours before dawn. i looked up into the sky, clipped in and began to ride. one pedal stroke - anger, another pedal stroke - regret, still another - despair, until all my pedal strokes revealed a small glimmer of happiness. i began to remember. not the shittiness of the day, not the unbearableness of the funeral, not the crapiness of not being the sister i should have been. i remembered his crooked smile, his laughing eyes, his strong will and his ever present love. i remembered his smart alack comments and the way he used to rile me up at every chance he got. i finally heard what my mom had been telling me. i never thought i was a very good sister. i regret it every day of my life. i wasn't the sister i should have been but i was the sister that he needed. i was the sister that he wanted and i was the sister that he loved. i really enjoyed every inch of ground i covered on this ride, on this day that i never thought i would enjoy anything. i rode to my church and sat by the waterfall in the middle of the courtyard and prayed. i didn't pray for anything in particular. peace, acceptance, happiness, love...i sat and listened to the water churning, saw the sun playing with the shadows of the trees and felt the soft grass beneath my feet. beautiful. i returned to my bike to finish the ride and decided that every year this Superman Memorial Ride would occur. i will always take this day off from work to jump on my bike and revel in the best that God has to offer. next year i will have shirts made for me and my family. i will send it to them and they will go on a family ride and send me pictures of the jaunt. i will persuade my friends to do the same. we won't have to be together, they won't have to take the day off, but we will all ride at some point that day and commemorate it with pictures and stories and beer (because Clark loved beer...maybe a Keystone or two). i have more plans for this ride, i will eventually make this ride into an event where people come from all over to ride, to remember and to honor the heroes in their lives, their Supermans. but for now, i will gather the pictures every year and i will make a scrap book for Clara, so she knows how much her daddy was loved, is loved and will always be loved. we will never forget and we will always remember.
June 27, 2009 - are you ready to ride?