update

an email to my coach i thought i'd share...

just wanted to give you a heads up on whats going on.

surgery update: today is my last day of antibiotics. i haven't done anything since last Tuesday bc of the surgery and probably won't today either, the meds make me really, really nauseous and i cant keep hardly anything down (my body just isn't used to this - i hardly ever even take over the counter stuff so this has been a doozy).

doctor's appt update: Doc thinks this season is do-able and has prescribed intensive physical therapy with someone at UCPT. I have an appt with him this week (Friday I think).

life update: I have really been doing some thinking and soul searching in the midst of my drug induced haze and i really do want to do this Ironman. its been really overwhelming and daunting to think about because i'm having a hard time getting past the point of my injury and not thinking about the big picture. its always been one of my problems, focusing on what's not right instead of what i can do and what i can make right. its a mental block that i am really trying to work on and what i needed was to hear the doctor tell me that this injury is something i can overcome and i will be able to run again pain free IF i work at it and follow the CORRECT channels of recovery instead of just winging it. so that is what i am going to do. i am looking into the whole masters thing this week and will fit something into my budget so i can get this party started :) thanks for your patience. i have deep seeded issues and i never know how they will manifest - they put up walls and hurdles throughout my mind on a constant basis and i'm just trying to work hard at getting over them, onto higher ground. i've been hit pretty hard numerous times but i'm not down for the count - its just taken me a little longer to get up from the last round than i thought it would. don't worry, my fight is still in there...

a drug induced state

Tuesday: 345PM went to the see the doctor - my knees still get really angry at the drop of a hat, my lower back on the left side is in a constant state of pain ranging from 2 to 6 and i've been having some nightmares lately on the state of my health. while i was getting my examination, he asked me to open my mouth so he could look at my throat. first major sign of a problem - i couldn't open because my jaw was so sore. my wisdom teeth had been coming in for about a year now, breaking the skin, but for some reason they had just started to REALLY hurt in the last 24 hours. he confirms the fact and tells me to take some Advil for the pain and swelling and we get back to the business of my original ailments where he prescribes "intensive physical therapy" he thinks i can do this season...i sure hope he's right. 9PM sitting up in bed, after already finishing the last of my Advil bottle and some sleeping pills, my knees tucked into my chest, crying and moaning in pain - it was everywhere. in my ears, all along my jaw line, in my nose and in my eyes. pain swept through my face like a runaway steam engine. 1145 PM up and pacing the room, crying softly having crazy thoughts about morphine and what i'd have to do to get some. are there channels for this stuff? can't have vicodin or codeine because i'm allergic to it. what else to do except load up on more Advil? so off to the drug store to buy Orajel and Advil in my state of excruciating pain. can teeth really cause this sort of reaction?! don't sleep for the entire night, praying the clock would just speed up so i could take more Advil.

Wednesday: 730AM at the office waiting for Angie to get there so we can figure out what to do with insurance - i never got my insurance cards replaced after my purse was stolen so i was in a bit of a pickle. 8AM finally get through and talk to the nurse at the dental office - she says to come in right away. 830AM first round of x-rays that didn't take so another set administered. in so much pain that a constant stream of tears has taken residence on my cheeks. 945AM emergency surgery scheduled. "highly aggressive infection" has been wreaking havoc on my system and had i waited any longer to get in, the infection would have quickly made its way to my brain. 1030AM antibiotics intravenously pumped through my veins along with anesthesia to put me out so the two wisdom teeth on the bottom could be broken and removed. my jaw still won't open, so they have to put me out quickly so they can move fast. 1130AM (i think, time is now lost) im waiting for BG to come and pick me up with instructions to not do anything except medicate, 800mg of Advil, percocet and amoxicillin every 4 hours until gone (or as the pain dictates).

Thursday - miss work, in a drug induced state all day long where in the middle of that day i get an idea i can't shake and drive over to PB to get something done that i'd been wanting for a long time and since i'm out of commission for at least a week, i had to do it then due to the timeline of the healing process - i don't want to give Coach anymore excuses as to to why i can't do my training. i HAVE to train after this round of meds is over. its now or never. yep, a new tattoo. the things you do when your not in your right mind - mom is going to kill me...back to bed and loaded up with more meds.

Friday - try to go to work and make it till 930AM where i found myself almost barfing because sitting up straight for 4 hours in a row has made me more nauseous then i had imagined it would. have to lay down on the floor for 20 minutes before i can drive home. my body is NOT used to having this medication whirling around inside it. the antibiotics are too much for my system to handle and its making me sick. the drugs to kill the infection are killing me and i have to go back to bed...

sweat, tears and rain

okay, so there really wasn't that much sweat, it was only 60 degrees after all and the tears didn't come until later but the rain - oh was there rain.

the plan was to ride for 2.5 hours by getting in 2 laps at Fiesta and then taking Morena up to the top where i would attempt as many hill repeats as my body would allow. i began the ride at 9AM, over to Fiesta for the laps where, for once, i passed at least 6 people which ordinarily wouldn't have been as monumental except that these people were not all 90 year olds - a great feat in my eyes seeing as how they were all a part of one of the "elite training groups" in San Diego and the fact that there were some gnarly ass winds pushing me every which way. i couldn't lean too much one way because i'd end up swerving too much the other way. i kept it in my big chain ring and pounded out two steady laps - and yes i pushed it but i held strong, not killing myself - a sustained chain of energy throughout each lap. as i finished up the last of the dreaded island, i felt a small tickle of rain on my fingers. the sky looked pretty menacing...rain was coming and i needed to decide the best course of action because i don't ride in the rain - not at all.

when i heard that Denner did IM Lake Placid in the pouring rain last year and did it well, i was in complete awe. how could anyone push a steady pace, much less compete in a race when its pouring down rain? its so dangerous. so unpredictable. so temperamental. so...scary.

i had two optional routes back to my place. i would not be pushing my luck and trying to get in the full 2.5 hours, i just wanted to make it back home safely. option one: go back the way i came which included heavy traffic, two on/off ramps to deal with and a very narrow bridge to contend with. option two: make a full circle, making my way through heavy traffic and a couple of dicey intersections, rounding out to Nimitz and back to my place. i thought i'd take the lesser of the two evils and hit the latter of the options - bad idea. i rode directly into the rain. 30 min on the dry yet blustering island into dark skies, slick roads and irritated drivers wondering why in the hell someone would be out riding their bikes in this mess. as people would honk, i would just grip my bars a little harder and think "well i can't just sit here people, i have to get home one way or another!" and pushed on. in the end, i was soaked to the bone - freezing cold and glad to be on steady ground.

total trip was only around 17 miles, averaging 16.5 mph and i think just over an hour of ride time. by the time i got off my bike, my knee was THROBBING. i don't know if it was the rain, the cold, the fact that i pushed it or a combination of the three. i limped back up to my apartment and drew a hot bath to get the cold ache out of my bones and hopefully out of my knee. as i sat in the hot steam and boiling water, i closed my eyes and let myself feel all the pain and the disappointment of this ride. i had pushed it, but not anything insane. if i couldn't even do an 17 mile ride with a steady push containing no major climbs how in God's name am i to do an IM with a run tacked on at the end? my dad's knees kill him everyday of his life. he recently had knee surgery on each leg and the next step is knee reconstruction. he is 58. he never ran like i did and yet he's in pain all the time. i'm 28 and have done a lot of running in my life (both physically and metaphysically but the former is the point of this post) and i'm in constant pain right now - what will it be like when i'm 58? will i be in a wheel chair because it hurts too much to walk? what the hell am i to do with this information, with these thoughts? what do you do when your body is broken, when your mental is broken - swirling, twirling and ending in a broken spirit of unimaginable space? i let my body go limp and my head slip under the clear water that encompassed me, letting the tears float up and broach the surface, breaking the glass-like wall that divided me from the rest of the world even if it was just for a moment...

oh Lordy...

i didn't think it would ever happen, but it did. its been something i've been avoiding since late October. just the thought of the act makes me feel irritated and antsy. the earliness. the darkness. the coldness. none of it is appealing, not in the least. plus i pretty much suck at it. but lo and behold, my schedule said i had to do it today. i went to bed last night thinking "not a chance in hell" but i set my alarm anyhow. i woke up today with the alarm at 445 and thought "not a chance in hell" and what do you know? 45 min later i find myself SWIMMING! holy Lord - i think my body might be starting to remember how it took over last season even against my most diligent protests. the outcome was anything but pretty. i felt like i was carrying a dead body behind me. the poor guy i had to share my lane with finally gave into the idea of splitting the lane instead of circle swimming (like i had suggested in the first place) after he lapped me for the third time in like 2 minutes - who knew the CP would be so hoppin' on a Wednesday morning at 530AM? by the time i got done with my first time trial of the season, i was so hungry i could have eaten my arm off, but that would not have lent me well for the drive home so i opted to wait and have been sort of suffering because of it all day. i have to start eating more again or i'll never make it through the week, much less the season! my arms have yet to recover and i'm pretty darn sleepy. first swim workout was NOT fun. not. one. iota.

setbacks and stillness

woke up on Sunday still feeling like i had had a nice run in with the brick wall from Saturday but i had promised danban we'd do breakfast and catch up - i was really looking forward to it so i got up and moving around 7 to meet her just before 9 at Naked. a good meal and some great quality catch up time later i was on my way to meet BG at the Shores so i could pick something up from him. it was a stupid thing to pick up too - my left overs from the day before because i'm really trying to watch how i spend (and waste) my money with the economy like it is - so i met him, got my stuff and left.

as i'm driving down Vallecitos to get back to the 5, a car comes at me going about 35 mph down a very narrow street lined with parked cars. the dude nearly side swipes me, pushing me over to the right where my mirror just happens to be the exact same height and placement as a parked Volvo sitting nice and quietly and WHAM! it all happened so quickly. there were two cars behind the car that almost creamed me - not one of them stopped. there was a car behind me - he didn't stop. no one stopped, no one but me. shaking and on the verge of tears. completely flabbergasted at the thought that someone had just forced me over so far on the road that i ended up hitting the mirror of another car AND NO ONE STOPPED. let's recap the life of my car as i know it:
1) early Nov 07 - bought the car.
2) late Nov of 07 - had to replace all 4 tires plus two wheels because i ran over something in the dark...probably a 2X4 or something silly like that - who knows, it was dark.
3) Feb of 08 - passenger side window was smashed in and my purse was stolen during an 8 mile training run for the marathon.
4) Jan 1, 09 - first hit and run but because the smelly Ohian was still passed out drunk in her car, i was able to corner her and get her to ante up her insurance info (just a couple of door dings).
5) Jan 16, 09 - second hit and run in the Whole Foods parking lot and i wasn't so lucky this time. no note, no car, no nothing (had to basically replace the entire back rear of the passenger side of my car).
6) Feb 16, 09 - third hit and run while my car was parked outside my apartment building. again, not note, no car, no nothing. (had to replace the front end of my car including the hood because who ever did it, actually hit me so hard while they were trying to park, that they forced themselves up on it). later, i find out who did it but because there were no eye witnesses and i cannot afford a stupid lawyer OR the court fees associated with it all, he gets away with it all.
7) March 14, 09 - i nearly get side swiped and the above ensues...

i seriously thought about leaving - i mean not one time did anyone have any regard at all for me or my car when they decided to put there mark on my life. and i just stood there in the middle of the road and screamed unsightly things in my head and cried. finally, after about a minute of trying to decide how good a person i really am (this is yet to be determined) - i walked over to where i had pulled my car over, got out my cell phone and called my insurance company to start the claim for the poor car that ended up getting the brunt end of the fiasco. i ended up having to take responsibility for the accident since the guy who almost hit me didn't stop. i didn't stop shaking the entire hour i stood there waiting for the owner to come back so i could apologize and let them know i had already taken care of everything and all they needed to do was call. no one ever came so i left all the information they'd need.

so i'd say i had a bit of a personal setback. its not all sunshine and roses. i am in the midst of being really ticked off and feeling really sorry for myself - neither of which are good. now i'm sort of praying for some stillness...

clear eyes, full heart...

my alarm went off on Saturday morning at 5. i was supposed to meet Roo between 715-730 for a 54 mile ride. i snoozed until 530, knowing i needed to get my breakfast in sooner than later with the way my poor stomach reacts to food and riding. everything down, packed and ready to go - i was out the door and on the road by 7.

here you maybe asking yourself "why in the world would you go from NOT riding your bike in three months, save for a short 25 mile ride 2 weeks ago, to riding 54 miles in one stint? do you really think that's the best idea? have you thought this through?"

your answer would go something like "no because i'm katie b. i have no qualms about killing myself on a training day. i actually welcome it. i want to see 1) if my brain can react to my bodies nutrition needs 2) how my knees will feel now that i am back on Muffasa instead of the too small road bike i was riding before and 3) what exactly my body could do at this exact moment in time. and because i can do anything i put my mind to."

or so goes the conversation in my mind whilst on the one of the dumbest ideas of a ride i have attempted yet. in the end, it turned out well and i am quite happy with the lessons learned and the results achieved.
1) i was slightly faster than Roo last season. she completely kicked my ass on the ride - as in she could have easily dropped me early on and i wouldn't have stood a chance trying to find my way through the route mainly because of my complete inability to sense directions and for the fact that she had the map. thank God we were riding together and she felt responsible for keeping me within sight :)

2) 20 miles in i had the very real, clear thought "this was a really BAD idea."

3) i didn't bonk at all which is HUGE! i had 200 kcals in liquid nutrition from my one water bottle and 400 kcals in vanilla bean GUs. i felt good. actually, surprisingly good for a what seemed to be endless romp of ups and downs, with more ups than downs of course. i finished off the ride by getting down my other bottle of just water and that seemed to be perfect. i did start to feel hungry about a half mile from the end and could have afforded one more GU, but decided i had a feast waiting for me in less than 20 so i opted to wait for that. MPC would have made me go ahead and choke another one down, but he wasn't there so i got away with it. i do think that all of the progress made on the nutrition riding front is due to his diligent harping on our rides together so thank goodness it stuck with me and i was able to know my needs and answer them before they even became a question.

4) my knees felt pretty damn good. even with the excessive addition in mileage, even with all the climbing - my knees never got angry. slightly cranky later in the day, but not angry like they usually are and THAT people is FANTASTIC news! this does not, however, mean that i will be attempting to run today or tomorrow. it does mean that this weekend i may try to do a walk/run combo and see what that produces.

5) total mileage ended up being 56.5 miles (which included a couple of missed turns and round abouts to get back on track), 15 mph (which is SO slow for me, but hey - what did i really expect? - i think Roo probably average at least 16-17) that included hitting every single solitary red light in between Solano Beach and Elfin Road, if i remember correctly 3 hours and 40 minutes of ride time or somewhere there abouts and i think Roo said it was something like 5600 ft. of elevation gain - i didn't really pay too much attention to the numbers, i was just stoked that i had a) completed the ride without dying and b) was about to gorge myself with good food.

6) my friends are great support. thanks Trent and Sam for the route map. thank you Roo for letting me ride with you, for not completely dropping my ass and for being so nice along the way. thank you Iris for everything - there's too much to list, but thank you for all of it. oh and thanks BG for letting me do a load of laundry :)

in the end, i was EXHAUSTED. i felt like a had been thrown up against a brick wall at a hundred miles per hour. i had a seriously hard time moving around for the rest of the day and when i finally got to bed, slept like i always do after a kick-you-in-the-teeth workout - like shit, but oh man was it worth it...

done and done

two 4:45AM spin sessions in two days? done
two yoga classes after work in two days? done

my appetite sure thinks i'm in full force training again, that's for sure. i had already eaten 4 times today by 1:45PM and again at 3:30 to get in some extra energy before attempting the toughest yoga instructor's class (by far - i think he likes to punish us for our undisciplined auras or something to that effect). so after just two days of activity, i'm STARVING! and eating a lot.

oh and i gave up all caffeine, all dairy and all additives this week and i'm trying to carry it as far as i can, or at least for a couple of weeks (Speedy has been seeing a lot of positive side effects from her Lenten denials) mainly because i've had too many "accidental ingestions of the gluten devil" in unsuspecting places, just waiting to pounce and attack my nervous system - sending me into bouts of unpleasantness. so the medical detox shake has been my first meal of the morning for the past 3 days and i'm already starting to feel a bit better. it is simply amazing what the right foods (or wrong ones in my case) can do for/to you! celiac is for the birds i tell ya...

so here's hoping the weekend goes as planned with an easy 60 mile ride on Saturday, time with my Iris and time with Dana (both LONG overdue!), a swim in the dreaded ocean BUT only if the weather is nice - that's the catch! and finally ending it all with a lovely South Beach dinner and catch up time with BG. its a full weekend - let's hope it all comes together smoothly. then, i'm hoping, the momentum will carry me into next week - into early morning swims, evening loops around Fiesta and more yoga to tap into my higher, spiritual self to pray for some sort of Godly guidance in this unclear life of mine.

have a great weekend. talk soon. much love and working out to you and yours :)

baby steps

that's what i was told. and so that's what i have realized i need to do. i normally jump into things head first, no thinking, just acting. this time is different. my head won't let me jump. my heart isn't in it right now, in fact i don't know where that dadgum heart of mine is hiding. definitely not where its supposed to be. and my resolve? where is that? i guess they're hiding out together. i never really liked hide and seek...

i had grand plans this week - time trials, biking and swimming - oh my! but in real time, not much if any of that has happened. i did manage to wake up at 445 this morning to get in an hour spin session but that's it so far. no time trials have happened - at all. i did finally find my heart rate monitor strap only to realize for the 100th time that i have NO clue how to work the damn thing. my electronic stupidity is sort of astounding at this point. but really i didn't even use that as my excuse. for the past two days in a row, i have packed up my car with all of my riding stuff so that right after work i could head straight over to Fiesta to do what my coach has been asking of me - time trial. and what do you know? both days, right about 3 - i feel this huge pressure building in my chest and weighing on my mind and all of the sudden my energy is zapped and training is the very last thing i want to do. so, i don't do it. just like that. giving up before i've even started. who is this person inhibiting my body? where has the girl of last season gone? she was so excited, determined, ready to do it all and with great passion and verve - what has happened to all of those grand feelings? i don't know, but today started with a baby step. this evening i will take another baby step and go to yoga. tomorrow my third and fourth baby steps will occur with another early morning spin and another evening yoga class and then, THEN i will do a real ride out on the actual road early Saturday morning and pray to the Holy God Almighty that it can carry me into the week, through the month and onto the season ahead.

baby steps.

i've got a headache

that was my first thought when i opened my eyes this morning. an out of your mind, eye sockets throbbing, noise exploding headache. and if that wasn't enough brutality for the day - what was the first thing to pop up in my inbox this AM? not the normal training peaks notice "you have no scheduled upcoming workouts today," not even a nice training peaks notice "you have a nice easy spin scheduled for today" - nope, none of those - i get a "get ready to hold onto your helmet for dear life, don't eat anything heavy because you will be sure to puke it up, i want you to metaphysically kill yourself out on the course so you have to crawl back to your car to get home today" kind of workout. thanks Coach, you're the best :-P

bike time trial one - here we go...

okay

this picture has nothing to do with anything, i'm not quite sure why i like it so much...its how i'm feeling i guess...like a wooly mammoth...i am SO weird.

so my first "official" week back hasn't really been all that exciting - well except for my first "official" ride back, which you all got to read about...that was sort of exciting. i mean all that puking has got to be some titillating stuff - i got a record number of hits on the blog that day :) but i digress...

since then i have done two spin sessions while watching nameless shows on the computer and not really pushing anything too much because after Sunday's masquerade of a an actual ride, the knees were quite sore which makes me nervous and scared and the opposite of confident BUT i will not be beaten by this - yet. two months. one month to hate it and hurt a little. one month to start liking it and not hurt. two months total and i better be enjoying myself and feeling good or i will be sitting down to seriously weigh out my options for my future in triathlons. oh and i also did two CP2 yoga classes, can't forget that.

so CB agreed to let me do what i wanted this week (which hasn't really been much, i admit) and then next week...oh next week - all hell will break loose i fear. i have already caught wind of the dreaded time trials (EEK!). for the record, that does NOT make this girl happy, but if i must, i must and i know CB will not let me out of it so i have decided to take this last weekend of doing what i want and have absolutely no training involved with my good times (not because i don't want to, but because i am making a surprise visit to the cutest girl in the world for her birthday party). then i have a feeling i am going to hate my life come Monday morning when i get my new schedule and see what's in store. geeze oh peeze (who even says that anymore?! my grandma, that's who...who's the dork? this girl!).

have a great weekend everyone! katie b is ALMOST back at it...

90 min come hell...or hell

isn't that how the saying goes? no, no. i think its come hell or high water, but since this particular day was pretty damn short on water, i think the above is the best version of the saying i can muster.

the morning started out with Mass at 8AM (its Lent, and along with giving up gum i have also made a promise to attend Mass every Sunday during the season) and luckily there are about 10 different Catholic churches within a 10 mile radius so i have my pick of the litter on this one. Mass was okay but nothing like the church out by BG's so my hunt is still on for the one i can call my own. i got home, had breakfast, got ready to ride and here is where the day became comical, at best. i sat in my riding kit for 30 minutes before deciding that i needed a 30 minute nap before i rode. the alarm went off and then i decided i needed a cup of coffee before i rode. i sat there with my coffee, looking out at my amazing view and literally laughed at the ridiculous amount of energy it was taking to fight with myself about getting off my lazy ass to ride my damn bike. i mean COME ON!

after a total of an hour and a half of lolly gagging around, i finally trudged down the stairs and out to the street to start my jaunt. i had originally planned on heading up to Solano Beach to ride, but decided that was way too much effort on this balmy Sunday morning so i'd be better off riding in sun shiny, high traffic cluster that OB tends to be - AKA cars in OB do NOT = good times in relation to cyclists in OB. so off i was, determined to ride 90 minutes whether i wanted to or not.

it started with me almost getting creamed by a red convertible mustang shooting off like a silver bullet on the hunt for Dracula's heart from a stop sign that he decided to "roll" through, my heart jumping into my throat, carousing my "oh-so-bad-idea" cup of coffee, me slamming the inside of my right tibia so hard into my cleat that it left an immediate baseball sized bruise, all ending in me finally making it to the other side of the rode reeling with fear of all cars, thankfulness that i wasn't dead and dread for the next 85 minutes to come.

i made it over to Fiesta Island without anymore major occurrences of "frogger ending badly", and started my first "easy" lap around the big circle and of course i immediately happen upon a middle aged woman hell bent on not letting me pass. i hadn't even really wanted to pass her - its not like i was out there to race or anything but she kept looking back at me, swerving all over the rode like a drunk person, acting as if i was there to chase her down so i could spit on her back tire as i rode past in over exemplified glory to the finish line, arms raised in victory, where i would collect my 10 million dollar prize and leave her and her dying grandma on the side of the road to wallow in the cardboard box they had been living in since the recession began in 1957. i mean i was clearly there to ruin her an her whole damn family's dreams! so what did i do? i did what any normal triathlete would do - i dropped into my big chain ring, grunted like Homer Simpson and burned right by her. it was all very masculine (well as masculine as a 5'3", 115 lb frame can be) and sort of devilish, but damn - she was begging for it.

a lot of good it did me because about 5 minutes down the road and a good 5 or 600 yards between the two of us i threw up in my mouth...a lot. it even spurted out just as a big truck drove by...you could actually see the red tinted smoothie leaving my lips to sprinkle the dust in a quite grotesque fashion - and as i finished the first lap, somehow talking myself into another, the middle aged lady comes riding up past me - smirking with pride and confidence. "well, good for her" i thought. "way to stick with it!" but there she was again, turning to look how far behind i was, swerving all over carnation - creating a hazard to herself and all of the other drivers/riders/runners on the island. so again - i dropped my gear and hammered past her, around the circle and off of that dadgum island for good. 36 minutes down, 54 to go...

i didn't really have a plan on where to go next so i decided to ride over to Morena and up to it's dead end where i stopped to throw up once along the way, bonked twice and was so happy to ride past side streets that had crazy inclines and happily laugh at the ludicrous thought of possibly attempting to climb them four times. i was more than happy to stay on my rolling path that seemed to kick my ass at every turn, with the insanely hot sun beating down on my back, taunting me in the worst ways to stop and call a cab, but oh no - push on i did, and when i finally got home after another "frogger ending badly" close call, i crawled to my freezer to extract the heavenly wonder of Dreyer's tart frozen yogurt and ate so much that i felt a little ill and finally, FINALLY passed out from the exhaustion of it all.

so 90 minutes, 25 something miles, 17 mph and the thrill of the season tickling my feet - good times, good times.