i have mixed feeling about Sunday. i don't think i want to get into much of it, maybe on my other space...maybe. i woke up to Bri texting me some sort of nonsense about onions burning his nose hairs clean out of his nostrils at 430AM. my alarm was to go off in 10 min so i decided to get up and get my usual morning routine of organic steel cut 100% gluten free slow cooked oatmeal with spices and 1/2 of a sausage link diced up and mixed in ready for consumption. yum. i'd like to interject that for the record, in case there was any doubt - i love to eat. breakfast makes me happy. barney butter with apples makes me smile. lunch time excites me. my pre-work out snack energizes me and dinner, well dinner is just full of possibilities. my meals are strategically planned and timed throughout the day and i thoroughly enjoy thinking up, preparing and devouring each and every collation i put together. its the little things in life that bring me joy. so anyway, i woke Dana up at 530 so we could get on the road, get her breakfast and coffee and make it to the starting line before the gun went off so we could wish everyone good luck. after calling Jim for directions to the closest Starbucks - ransacking the place of their coffee and breakfast wraps - we made it with plenty of time to spare.
to put it bluntly - the crowd sucked. big time. Dana and i were pretty much the only people cheering the entire time. we kept a constant clap going and cheered for every single solitary person that passed us. many of them looked directly into my eyes and smiled. i'd get goosebumps each time, knowing i had just made a part of their race a little bit better. after our last friend exited the water, we hightailed it over to the finish line to watch them come in. the big dogs had already finished, so we resumed out cheering and clapping along the finishers shoot for the age groupers. i don't know how it was possible, but the crowd was even worse there! i've never been to a tri with such incredibly unsupportive spectators. it was something.
we gathered the troops, did the after race chit-chat and decided to make our way to Jim's for the bbq. it was really nice to see the baby, hang out with the Goudreau's and the rest of our tri/TNT friends. we were to leave around 1145 to head to the cove. the day's workouts were to consist of the Cove 2 miler and a 40 min zone 1 LSD run. as if cued from some director's chair, the ex walked in with his girlfriend (who i happen to think the world of and its a shame i cannot for the life of me act like a normal person when the two of them are in a 5 mile radius) and what do you know? 1145 on the dot. so maybe i will get into it. this was the 3rd or 4th time i had seen him that day. i'm not gonna sugar coat the fact that it sucked. i seem to be running into them quite frequently now, which isn't too surprising seeing as how our root group of friends are pretty much the same and we are both in the tri community...its bound to happen. but this was too much in one day especially for a girl going on about 15 hours of sleep in a 72 hour period AND the fact that i was exhausted from the previous day's jaunt up the mountain. when i see him/them i feel like my lungs just might actually collapse in the chest cavity that is supposed to be protecting them from sharp objects. the oxygen coming in gets a little bit thicker, the breeze surrounding my path gets a little bit colder and my focus on the road ahead grows a little bit hazy. i get nervous. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say. i don't know how to act. i don't know what to think. i don't know where to look and i don't know how to feel. so with all of that uncertainty in one day - i was ready to put on camouflage, drop to the floor, army crawl my way through the living room in hopes that i wouldn't be noticed, dart out the door to escape the fiery glances of disappointment and disapproval and drive away into the sunset, never to be heard from again. too bad i didn't have camouflage, there wasn't room to army crawl out the door, and my invisible shield was just that - invisible. plus it was just before noon and the sun was nowhere near ready to set. so i tried to leave as graciously and quietly as i possibly could so i could get to the safety of my car, roll down the windows and let all the stink in my heart and my head leave with the wind passing through. i wanted Dana to stay. she is after all still very good friends with them all. i am the outcast and i didn't want to bring her into that. i didn't want to make a big deal of that either, so i told her it was fine with me if she wanted to stay. it wouldn't hurt my feelings in the least. she was already in the car and so she decided to just go. i knew she'd rather stay to hang out then go to the Cove - she hates ocean swims - but she stuck it out. bad call.
the ocean ended up being as topsy turvy as i felt. the swells were copious and constant. as we made our way through the beginning of the water, a coldness swept through my body and a chill ran down my spine. as we made it to the half way point of the quarter mile buoy, i stopped to get my bearings amongst the washing machine waves. i took in my surroundings. Dana was about 200 yards back. i was completely alone. there were no other swimmers within seeing distance. the water carried a green foam atop its unfaltering rollers. the sky was grim and grey. it was eerie, like i was lost at sea not far from shore. my heart was sullen and low. my mind was wondering into places unknown and unwanted. my legs were tired, my arms were heavy and my soul wanted out - to fly somewhere, anywhere but there - in this trapped and suffocating body. i waited as Dana neared and then we continued the swim. two other guys finally appeared out of the abyss and made the call to head back to shore, not to the half mile buoy and most definitely not to the shores and back. we followed suit. come to find out, not even the Gatorman crew swam past the quarter that afternoon.
the run was hard, but not in traditional terms. i was supposed to be in zone 1 - that's less than 153 beats per minute. i couldn't even get my heart below 160 to start. i was basically at a walk and it was still shooting up into the atmosphere. Dana ran past me with a sort of irritated look that i was going too slow and shouted something like "can you even run in zone 1?" well yes, on a normal day, i can. on a normal day when i am not faced with my past at every turn of the corner. on a normal day when my heart doesn't feel like it might explode from the sheer force of a distant stare. yes, on a normal day it is quite easy for me to run in zone 1 and make damn good time. today was not a normal day. we finished the run and all i wanted to do was eat and sleep.
we headed back to my place to get Dana's car so she could leave to do her thing with the group that i wasn't quite welcome with anymore. i got to thinking about all the crap i was feeling inside and the weight of it all. i wanted to sleep and not wake up until it was over. or wake up and be in a different time, a different place. somewhere that didn't hurt. somewhere that didn't disappoint. some place where the competition i felt within my self wasn't always being challenged by those who think they should be able to take me but can't. some place where doing what's right, or trying to anyway, doesn't give you the cold shoulder and a colder stare. some place...else.
everything is the same in a place where everything is different. its a strange place to be. not really there, not really here, not really anywhere you recognize yet you know you must be on the right path. God never steers you in the wrong direction. you may take the path of a million twists and turns, but its always the path you are meant to be on. just wish it wasn't filled with so many dadgum potholes. here's hoping to freshly laid asphalt ahead. on second thought, i'm going to find that damn truck and pave it myself...
to put it bluntly - the crowd sucked. big time. Dana and i were pretty much the only people cheering the entire time. we kept a constant clap going and cheered for every single solitary person that passed us. many of them looked directly into my eyes and smiled. i'd get goosebumps each time, knowing i had just made a part of their race a little bit better. after our last friend exited the water, we hightailed it over to the finish line to watch them come in. the big dogs had already finished, so we resumed out cheering and clapping along the finishers shoot for the age groupers. i don't know how it was possible, but the crowd was even worse there! i've never been to a tri with such incredibly unsupportive spectators. it was something.
we gathered the troops, did the after race chit-chat and decided to make our way to Jim's for the bbq. it was really nice to see the baby, hang out with the Goudreau's and the rest of our tri/TNT friends. we were to leave around 1145 to head to the cove. the day's workouts were to consist of the Cove 2 miler and a 40 min zone 1 LSD run. as if cued from some director's chair, the ex walked in with his girlfriend (who i happen to think the world of and its a shame i cannot for the life of me act like a normal person when the two of them are in a 5 mile radius) and what do you know? 1145 on the dot. so maybe i will get into it. this was the 3rd or 4th time i had seen him that day. i'm not gonna sugar coat the fact that it sucked. i seem to be running into them quite frequently now, which isn't too surprising seeing as how our root group of friends are pretty much the same and we are both in the tri community...its bound to happen. but this was too much in one day especially for a girl going on about 15 hours of sleep in a 72 hour period AND the fact that i was exhausted from the previous day's jaunt up the mountain. when i see him/them i feel like my lungs just might actually collapse in the chest cavity that is supposed to be protecting them from sharp objects. the oxygen coming in gets a little bit thicker, the breeze surrounding my path gets a little bit colder and my focus on the road ahead grows a little bit hazy. i get nervous. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say. i don't know how to act. i don't know what to think. i don't know where to look and i don't know how to feel. so with all of that uncertainty in one day - i was ready to put on camouflage, drop to the floor, army crawl my way through the living room in hopes that i wouldn't be noticed, dart out the door to escape the fiery glances of disappointment and disapproval and drive away into the sunset, never to be heard from again. too bad i didn't have camouflage, there wasn't room to army crawl out the door, and my invisible shield was just that - invisible. plus it was just before noon and the sun was nowhere near ready to set. so i tried to leave as graciously and quietly as i possibly could so i could get to the safety of my car, roll down the windows and let all the stink in my heart and my head leave with the wind passing through. i wanted Dana to stay. she is after all still very good friends with them all. i am the outcast and i didn't want to bring her into that. i didn't want to make a big deal of that either, so i told her it was fine with me if she wanted to stay. it wouldn't hurt my feelings in the least. she was already in the car and so she decided to just go. i knew she'd rather stay to hang out then go to the Cove - she hates ocean swims - but she stuck it out. bad call.
the ocean ended up being as topsy turvy as i felt. the swells were copious and constant. as we made our way through the beginning of the water, a coldness swept through my body and a chill ran down my spine. as we made it to the half way point of the quarter mile buoy, i stopped to get my bearings amongst the washing machine waves. i took in my surroundings. Dana was about 200 yards back. i was completely alone. there were no other swimmers within seeing distance. the water carried a green foam atop its unfaltering rollers. the sky was grim and grey. it was eerie, like i was lost at sea not far from shore. my heart was sullen and low. my mind was wondering into places unknown and unwanted. my legs were tired, my arms were heavy and my soul wanted out - to fly somewhere, anywhere but there - in this trapped and suffocating body. i waited as Dana neared and then we continued the swim. two other guys finally appeared out of the abyss and made the call to head back to shore, not to the half mile buoy and most definitely not to the shores and back. we followed suit. come to find out, not even the Gatorman crew swam past the quarter that afternoon.
the run was hard, but not in traditional terms. i was supposed to be in zone 1 - that's less than 153 beats per minute. i couldn't even get my heart below 160 to start. i was basically at a walk and it was still shooting up into the atmosphere. Dana ran past me with a sort of irritated look that i was going too slow and shouted something like "can you even run in zone 1?" well yes, on a normal day, i can. on a normal day when i am not faced with my past at every turn of the corner. on a normal day when my heart doesn't feel like it might explode from the sheer force of a distant stare. yes, on a normal day it is quite easy for me to run in zone 1 and make damn good time. today was not a normal day. we finished the run and all i wanted to do was eat and sleep.
we headed back to my place to get Dana's car so she could leave to do her thing with the group that i wasn't quite welcome with anymore. i got to thinking about all the crap i was feeling inside and the weight of it all. i wanted to sleep and not wake up until it was over. or wake up and be in a different time, a different place. somewhere that didn't hurt. somewhere that didn't disappoint. some place where the competition i felt within my self wasn't always being challenged by those who think they should be able to take me but can't. some place where doing what's right, or trying to anyway, doesn't give you the cold shoulder and a colder stare. some place...else.
everything is the same in a place where everything is different. its a strange place to be. not really there, not really here, not really anywhere you recognize yet you know you must be on the right path. God never steers you in the wrong direction. you may take the path of a million twists and turns, but its always the path you are meant to be on. just wish it wasn't filled with so many dadgum potholes. here's hoping to freshly laid asphalt ahead. on second thought, i'm going to find that damn truck and pave it myself...
2 comments:
i'm sorry sunday was such an emotional washing machine as the ocean was that day. i wish i had more encouraging words to say and ways to help heal the hurt. just know that i'm here for whatever you need whenever you need.
i love you katie b
Interesting how many of us wrote confessional posts in the space of a week. Seriously, sorry you weren't able to enjoy Jim's fiesta properly. We missed you there, but I've been there too. Ugh.
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