Public Service Announcement

i just wanted to take the time to write a note concerning my...well - myself. i just started doing this whole blog thing not too long ago. i am just a 27 year old trying to find my way. i graduated with a creative writing degree hence the reason my blogs can be very emotional and dramatic. i am a writer. i really had no idea people actually read my blog, besides Dana and Brian. but i never really worried because they know me and know the extent of my craziness and my saneness and the fact that they run together to produce me. i mean no one ever leaves any comments so i just assumed no one was reading and i was safe to put my thoughts down and get them out because that's typically what writers do...but apparently there are people out there reading this thing and are now leaving me comments that either A) make me feel like complete shit (which i must admit is quite warranted) B) make me cry because they are touching and are just what i need to hear or C) nice and fun and lighthearted. in this multiple choice test i choose C and will adhere to the following guidelines from here on out:

1) my posts/stories will be just that - nice and fun and lighthearted, although i will put thoughts and feelings in them because that is what i do and it is how i write
2) my posts/stories will be about my training and non training and whatever else i can muster without getting too personal
3) my posts/stories will stick to the sane side of my thoughts and not venture near the other crazy side

i do want to thank you for being concerned and letting me know that you fear for my life. i can assure you that it is not in danger of expiring unless there is some plan out there i am not aware of. i can promise you that i will keep on chugging along, continuing to find my way - it just won't be for your criticism and condemnation because although its well meaning, its pretty hurtful and i am trying to get away from that sort of feeling. i also want to thank those of you who felt it was necessary to call me out and point out the fact that i am a very selfish, bratty princess who needs to get on with my life and get over myself. it is true and i needed to hear it. i am making every effort, and have been even before it was publicly announced, to make those tendencies disappear. but like all good things, it doesn't come without some serious work and unfortunately time - which is why i had started this blog and which is why i am going to continue it. it is my fault for so openly sharing my feelings and thinking i wouldn't receive any repercussions because of it. thinking back on it...i just went about it the wrong way.

regarding BOD: i would like to take the time to say that Paul is in fact not a BOD at all. he is a very good man, and i have been very blessed to have him in my life for the time i did. he showed me many things i would never have seen had it not been for his patience and kindness. i thank him for the things he bestowed on me and i am glad that he is doing all the things he has been dreaming of. that saying "you always hurt the ones you love the most" holds pretty true in this situation. i do not know much about him anymore so i am very sorry to have given you such an ugly impression of him. ugliness comes out when you are hurting so i guess i am the ugly one, but again, i can honestly say that i am working diligently to change that.

regarding my most recent posts: it sort of feels like it happened yesterday. like i have been feeling this sadness for a really long time but just never really let it come out, not all the way. all of the feelings i have been writing about have been there, but i was never able to recognize them because i was numb. quite frankly i don't even remember much about the first year after Clark died and then last year it sort of snuck up on me so fast i didn't know what was happening. i'm afraid of letting the numbness pass and letting the real hurt take over, but i guess if i don't do it now, i'll never get better and that's the exact opposite of what i am working towards. i can tell you though that i am getting up and working and living my life. i am not sitting in a damp and dark room wasting the day away. like i said, i'm a writer - a story teller if you will - so i apologize for giving you a glimpse of something you didn't necessarily want any part of. i know its not your fault, its that whole "train wreck/car accident" phenomenon. you don't really want to see all the blood and guts but you just can't help looking. i had been writing my thoughts on this because it always helps to know you are not alone. if by chance, someone happened upon my blog that was feeling a very deep loss, the fact they may take comfort in my words, knowing that someone out there is going through it too - well that's something to me. and three years to get over your brother dying or anyone that is close to you for that matter? well i think its quite safe to say three years is nothing in a 27 year old life where 19 of it was filled with something that is now gone. i welcome every single year it hurts, every single emotion it brings and every single memory it sprouts. that is, after all what life is about. and to be able to write about it in such powerful and thought provoking way as i seem to have the ability to do, well that's something too.

i would just like to say, in closing, that i never thought i would be able to write through my pain again. i actually didn't write anything for a very long time after this particular day so it seems that i can get a little carried away and delve in a little too deeply trying to get it all out so i can reread it and make some sense out of it all. apparently more so than most are comfortable with. i would also like to point out that i never said this blog was solely about training or triathlon so those of you who came here for that, i am sorry to have disappointed you. even the name of my blog doesn't point to anything that would trigger "oh wow, this must be a great blog about the trials and tribulations of racing"...i mean "back at it" could refer to anything from "back at fly fishing" to "back at knitting" to "back at making sense of something that hadn't before had any"...so i don't feel as if i have purposely misled any of you.

so, all that being said, and now that i know some people actually do read this thing, i will be a bit more mindful with my personal meanderings and stick to the facts in this particular blog space...like this is one of those posts that is entirely too long...i know that i have pissed off/alienated quite a few if not all of you all in a matter of days when i have been posting for months and NOW i get to know you read - OY! maybe now you will leave more comments so that i know you are there :)

if you feel you would like to further discuss my psychological well being, then you may email me. after all, i have clearly not hidden my thoughts behind any fake names to express my feelings and i'd expect that same from you. i am also taking donations if you feel it would benefit me to "see someone" as i am not in the financial position to pay for such services. please don't take pleasure or displeasure in the fact that i have moved my more personal posts (feel free to follow the link, just be forewarned, IT IS OF THE PERSONAL NATURE). they ultimately were moved NOT because i am ashamed of my thoughts or my feelings, but because it is very easy for some to pass judgement on the things i write behind the veil of a comment box, but to say it in person...well that's a whole nother ball game and if you're not ready and willing to step up to the plate and address that ball coming 110 miles at your face, you're either gonna let it fly right by or you're gonna get smacked...so bring it - i'm ready and willing...are you? i have a pretty strong gut feeling that you're not, you don't really want to help, you just want me to get help. well that's nice and all but if the bucket of "kindness and concern" keeps getting passed, then well, where does that leave me, the one who warranted all of this in the first place? that's right. right here in this exact space writing this exact blog....