i woke up this morning feeling...troubled...or maybe unsettled would be a better word. i had some pretty disturbing dreams and i felt weighed down as i opened my eyes, turned off the alarm and gave the little one a pat on the head, her big brown eyes staring up at me saying "good morning mom, why are we getting up so early? today is an off day." sadly, i took yesterday off, so today i could not do the same. she's a smart one, she knows what days we sleep in and what days we round up extra early so momma can get her sweat on. love her...i digress. i was moving slowly, i had cramps and i was still sore as shit - like the kind of sore that when you bend over and down to pick up, say a piece of paper off the ground, you groan and moan in discomfort and pain 1. at the mere gesture and 2. at the thought of standing back up, but i got it all together and got out the door in time to make my 530 class. and there, just as before, my movements were slow and laboured. i felt that with each rise of the bar into the command "elbows high and outside", i was moving at a snail's pace, the weight just barely grazing the top of my chest and my elbows barely meeting the "high" part of that cadence with any real grit. then came the WOD...what looked to be a fairly "easy" workout turned into a fairly exhausting one with burpees that seemed to just. keep. going. and when it was done, when i slapped my feet over the last lateral bar hop and i fixed my eyes directly on the clock, i had to bolt for the garage door and out into the cool morning air to catch my breath, which kept scampering away as if he were "late, late, for a very important date!" this "date" of his should have been with the inner depths of my lungs, but alas, the clock on the wall kept stealing it with each tick of the mark, telling me where i stood in the midst of the other athletes sweating it out beside me. thankfully i was the first one done, so i had all that outside air all to my self and i took it all in as i plopped myself down, hunched over on a tire as i tried to tell the coach my time and weight.
i left the gym still feeling unsettled, not knowing why and then the doubts started to creep in...what did i forget to turn off? did i remember to lock the back door? what if the lamp i left on for Magpie gets knocked over and starts a fire? what if there's a fire and she can't get out and the firefighters don't know she's in there?...all of this after i had just thanked God for protecting us and keeping us safe, for laying out a path of success, courage and love that he will continue to guide us down...the devil had seeped into my quiet time with the Lord and was making me anxious over matters i could not currently control. teasing me, to doubt my Saviour's love for me and his presence in every aspect of my life...i continued to struggle with the feelings and thanked God fervently for his blessings and protection. it wasn't until i got to work and was getting ready in the bathroom that a woman i normally chat with as i apply my makeup over my conditioning inspired cherry cheeks said to me, "that devil, he's tempting and testing you today." and i knew, i knew she was right and it brought tears to my eyes and i thanked God for sending me the message in spoken word and i knew right away he was there with me, that he had never left and that Maggie and our house would be just fine this day. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
i am grateful for my relationship with God, for him moving me to a place where i would have to rely on him and no one or nothing else. i am grateful for my family, my dog, our many many blessings - food on the table, a gorgeous house, vehicles that get us to and from, jobs that pay the bills and then some, clothes on our backs, shoes on our feet, and most of all for a husband that i truly love with all of my heart, for giving me the strength to stand by that love and fight for it with all my might and when my might was exhausted (which didn't take long), that God gave me his might and we fought through it together. i have such a grateful heart. today and always. XOXO
2 comments:
Hey Katie! Fun to find your blog through Iris's. I love what you said, that you're grateful to God "for giving me the strength to stand by that love and fight for it with all my might and when my might was exhausted (which didn't take long), that God gave me his might and we fought through it together."
I'm feeling the same, for my marriage, for my relationship with one of my daughters who's struggling so much. There really is so much to be grateful for. Looking forward to reading more from you. :)
just keep on fighting. that's the only thing i can say, never give up, never, never, never give up. there were so many times when i wanted to throw in the towel, when i didn't think i could take any more. i didn't even know what to pray for sometimes because my heart just hurt too much, but every time i thought i had reached my breaking point and quitting seemed like the only logical thing to do...God whispered, "just hang on" and i did. it was the hardest thing i ever did, swallowing my pride day in and day out, blindly believing...but it was the best thing i ever did and i wouldn't change anything about it. i would revisit every single tear again just knowing that my relationship with Christ is all i will ever need and with that, He will always provide what is best for me. hang in there and read Phil 4:13 when you're feeling discouraged. big hugs :)
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