FREAK OUT!!!!!

so i've spent the better part of my morning having a bit of a freak out regarding the up and coming 26.2 miles of hopeful camaraderie, positive thinking, extreme fatigue, and constant personal battles of the mind, body and spirit. i am in a word scared. scared shitless to be frank, and i'm not quite sure how to deal with it. sort of like a giraffe up a tree as a lion patiently stalks at the bottom, waiting to attack when it finally comes down. and come down it will. i mean, this is by far the craziest physical stunt i have ever attempted to do thus far. i will be singing a different tune come May next year, but for now, this is scaring me. my freak out came along right about the time my boss came in and and had me start planning out pace times, spectator locations and race day details. i guess it is about time to start planning out all the specifics but it just got my nerves a dancing. and i don't mean the waltz people. i mean the full fledged, full blown Stomp. and because i have been on strict "no running allowed" orders from the powers that be, my confidence level is quite low. not to fret - i do have a plan. probably not the most effective of plans in the world of plans, but don't the underdogs normally come out on top in this crazy world? can i not have my fairy tale ending of crossing the finish line in under 5 hours with a huge smile on my face and a body that has held up through the trials and tribulations of injury in the most successful of ways possible?! YES YES YES i say!!!!!

so the plan: first cortisone shot in the left knee last Thursday (check), Yoga Tuesday night (check), swim Wednesday morning (check), Yoga Wednesday night, course drive-by Thursday morning, two more cortisone shots in the good ole knees Thursday afternoon, see Spirit of the Marathon Thursday evening, swim Friday morning, Yoga Friday night, pick up the best mom in the history of moms late Friday night, packet pick up and relax Saturday, eat a really yummy dinner Saturday night and then (drum roll please)...wake up BEFORE the ass crack of dawn to head down to the start line to awaken the truly incredible physical aptitude my body has yet to reveal to itself Sunday morning.

what do ya think? good plan huh? :)

[enter lots of words of encouragement and positive thoughts here. i need them like a fat kid needs cake...with frosting...and lots and lots of sprinkles...maybe some ice cream too]

here we go kids. here. we. go...

Memorial Day Weekend

all in all it was a pretty good weekend. my summer Friday was this past week so i ended up having a 4 day weekend, which is fantastic! i watched some of the worst movies i've ever seen with my roommate who has proven that he is not allowed to pick out flicks by himself anymore if he wants me to watch them too :) i ended up doing SAG on Saturday AM for my team and got to hang out with Eric, who is quite literally one of my favorite married friends. i was really bummed to not be able to do the run, but i am listening to my doctors this time instead of my usual stubborn, bull headed pride and staying off my knees until race day. Sunday was met with an early morning Hot Power Fusion class followed by church and lunch with Gunn where we were able to let off some steam and get our most recent personal debacles off our chests. i was also able to get the majority of my room unpacked from the move and can finally see the floor, so that's fun, but now i can see just how dirty the carpet is. i'm thinking i might need to get some kind of large rug to add a little zing to the place :) i then received a cryptic text message from Ang asking me if i wanted to do something crazy. i respond with a "sure," as i am always down to have some much needed fun and crazy time with my girls. i was then directed to a bar downtown where i proceeded to get intoxicated with my boss (it was her birthday). they had been drinking all day and wanted me to quickly "catch up." so, after one Bull Blaster and 3 chocolate martinis...well you can imagine the rest. at least i was able to meet some pretty cool characters along the way where i proceeded to have lengthy conversations that i can't really remember and random meetings of the minds on everything from politics to rugby. fun times ;) which brings us to Monday...Memorial day, where i proceeded to fry myself beyond recognition. again. you might think one would learn seeing as how i had a very recent experience just a couple of months ago, but alas, the inner workings of my brain had been discombobulated due to the previous nights drinking rendezvous. Brian and i headed to the OB beach around 12:30, which happens to be only 2 miles from our place, where we basked in the beautiful mid day sun. i fell asleep as he played in the absolutely frigid Pacific Ocean and when he finally came back to dry off, i was burnt to a crisp. like frog legs frying in a vat of oil. and now, now almost 24 hours later, i am paying dearly for my poor judgment. because the wind was blowing quite steadily and the temps outside never got above 72, i didn't think i needed to put on sunscreen. i actually thought it would be too chilly for us to stay long enough to do any damage. boy oh boy did i misjudge that! suffice to say, i will be hurting for days to come and praying that my body has time to heal between now and Sunday, seeing as how i am about to embark on the most crazy physical challenge of my lifetime...well, thus far. pray for me. please. i need it :)

the last time

DISCLAIMER

discouraged & frustrated...

that about sums up what i am feeling right now and this, my friends, is why:

1) my last run of 20 miles hurt like a mother effer

2) bc that run hurt so damn badly i have:

- paid a total of $150 to see the sports chiropractor to fix a pinched nerve and work on my IT to help alleviate the pain

-taken 2 weeks off from all forms of high impact workouts

-started swimming again at the ass crack of dawn

-taken up yoga again

-purchased an ungodly expensive bike so i can still build my cardio while i am resting the impact on my very stubborn legs and weak ass or glutes to be more precise.

3) was sick for almost 5 whole days, meaning completely inactive for almost 120 hours due to my inability to stand or consume any real calories past the point of basic living, drastically setting me back from making any training gains

4) since beating back the death that tried to consume me, i have been trying to replenish my glycogen stores but have been met with sordid barriers

5) tried to run a measly 6 mile fartlek last night to realize:

-i can't seem to get into a "natural" feeling running form/groove to save my life

-my hips/glutes (or clear lack there of) hurt worse than a 90 year old women's with an extreme onset of osteoporosis would

-not only do my hips hurt worse than ever, my left knee has decided to follow suit and the wild banshee has resumed its original habitat of my lower extremities

-it hurts to walk, sit, and lay

6) i swam this morning thinking this might soothe the pain and work out some of the tension and what do you know, my effing knee hurt the entire time, so much so, that i couldn't even do my normal warm up set of 400m kick. so my workout consisted of a pathetic 1000m pull and finally a 4 X 50m sprint/50m recovery set

7) the Rock N Roll Marathon is in T minus 9 days and all of the above are not the least bit encouraging or even slightly positive.

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! really?!?! are you kidding me?! i'm just a girl, trying to get back into doing something i love that is supposed to be good for me and the odds are working very strongly AGAINST me! in fact, i'd even venture to say they are stacked quite stiffly in every direction, completely surrounding me! what am i doing wrong here?! is it so bad that i want to lead a healthy lifestyle by maximizing my ability to move in a forward pattern with any kind of speed faster than an algae growing in the Redwood forest? tell me people, what am i doing that's so wrong?! oy vey, oy vey, oy vey!

BTW: that peace in my soul i wrote about yesterday? its still there, its just being drowned alive by this bear named dismay. anyone have a shotgun i can borrow? i have some hunting i need to take care of...

it's time

let me just start by saying that when i sit to write in my blog, i use it as a very personal healing tool. i do try to make it somewhat witty, enjoyable and endearing on the very off chance that someone might happen upon it and take the actual time to read it, but mainly i write because its what i know how to do. it helps me work out and through my feelings of sadness, heartache, confusion and despair in hopes of finding the beauty, serenity, peace and calmness that comes from taking in life for all that it is, all that its worth and all that it is meant to be. the past couple of years have dealt me lessons that i believe no one should have the displeasure of ever experiencing, lessons that everyone learns from and lessons that could have been avoided by a simple right turn instead of the left one i decided upon. i guess that's how life works - a multitude of paths and principles that merge and lead to the one single pebble lined road along a green grassy knoll high atop a beautiful mountain pass that is your life, where you are able to take in the cleansing pure air of the present, relinquish the purposeful yet suppressing air of the past and look out upon the vast openness that can be and will be your future, when you decide to take it, however slowly or quickly you wish to proceed, as long as you remember that it inevitably will, proceed that is. so the sooner you are able to harness that feeling of pure energy and excitement and ride this beast called life, taking the reigns to lead it where you want to be, the closer you'll be to finding that thing that completes you, and isn't that what we all strive to do...?

so, i am happy to report that i am finally feeling like a human being again. yesterday started out to be what i thought was a day of finally feeling normal again, but after not being able to keep down my breakfast wrap or my lunch smoothie or anything solid for that matter in 5 days, i had resigned to the sickness for yet another day...until i decided to go to yoga. i wasn't too sure it was the best idea seeing as how i had consumed maybe a total of 1,000 calories over that 5 day period, but i knew i had to do something to get this crud out of my system. in the past whenever i have been sick, sweating it out was my go to and has rarely failed me in getting through whatever it is that ails me. the thing that made me leery this time is that i have never in my life been this sick...ever. but alas, i am impatient, so waiting this monster out was just not cutting it anymore and if it's worked before, what's to stop it from working now? nothing, i concluded and headed over to the Hillcrest studio to attempt to catch, strangle and stifle, punch and kick, attack and kill the sicky that has consumed me for far too long. AAAAAAATTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

i told Clea about how sick i had been just in case i happened to attack this thing too aggressively resulting in a death in the midst of what's supposed to be her very invigorating and tranquil Core Power 2 session. like a "save your ass" clause so she would know what the delirious child like form in the back of the room was up to. she softly smiled and laid a gentle hand on mine to assure me i would be fine. i will take a moment to describe this woman because i believe her spirit is worth mentioning. she is a bit taller than i, maybe about 5'5" but a goddess of a woman with a perfectly sculpted body of pure muscle and finesse. her long brown hair is always pulled back into a neat pony tail with a simple rubber band to keep it from dangling in her eyes. but her spirit is what grabs you. when she talks, its a very strong yet soft tone that sings to your soul and heightens your awareness. you listen to what she is saying but more importantly to what wisdom she is imparting to you. you can see that she lights a flame in the eyes of all of us, a different size in each of the students who attend her class. her technique isn't to push us but to gently reach up under us, as if we were delicate flowers of all sorts, and set us atop of some new height we have yet to ascend. she feels with her words and guides with her touch. she stayed near me throughout the entire class, assisting me so that each posture was deeper than the previous and the healing blood was able to blaze through my being and overwhelm whatever it was that was holding me back from getting better. it was a release that i had yet to experience through my yoga practice. and at the end, just as if she were perfectly in tune with my aura, with what i needed to hear, she reminded us "you are exactly where you are meant to be, right now, in this exact moment, this is right where you are supposed to be. trust in that. trust in the fact that you are who and what and where the universe wants you to be. trust." i cried. right there in the middle of downward dog, tears streaming down my face as i released a huge part of sadness that had been weighing on my heart for the past couple of months, waiting to detonate like a nuclear bomb. sweet sweet release, like just simply cutting the tether and sending it out to float amongst the atmosphere, no longer threatening to completely demolish my inner sanctity.

no matter how painful it has been, it has brought me to this exact moment, and in this exact moment i can only go one way from here. this is not to say my heart is magically mended and the world is a bright shiny place where people don't betray or lie or cheat, but it is to say that i have surrendered the chaos and the pain and the relentless wondering over in trade for a much needed rest of the soul. trust - its a powerful word that in the wrong hands can do irreversible damage, that is, if you let those hands guide it. trust - its a powerful word that in the right hands can work miracles and pull you from ground zero into the light of a sparkling day where the possibilities are endless, if you guide it...

oh yeah, and i ate TWO bowls of homemade chicken soup that i whipped up right after class (organic chicken broth, spices, bean sprouts, shredded broccoli stalks, chicken breast and sliced carrots). it was like nectar from the gods and it healed me :)

the great bike debate: part deuce

so i did my first test rides on Wednesday and these were my findings:

1) Kuota K Factor SL - although the frame is really nice (full carbon), the components rock and they were going to give it to me at a really smoking deal, the fit is all wrong for me. the seat angle is way too far back for me and i was pretty uncomfortable/unstable throughout the entire test ride. i just couldn't find a good groove any which way i tried.

2) Jamis Comet - i couldn't get past the awful componentry. the shifting was awful, rough and inconsistent. overall i hated the bike the moment i got on it; i was really squished into the frame and didn't feel at all comfortable in any aspect of the ride.

3) QRoo Kilo - full aluminum frame and really nice components make for a pretty great ride. i honestly didn't feel much of a difference, if any between the Kuota frame and this frame. i did however feel a HUGE difference in the ease and comfort of the shifting and handling over the Jamis, which was comparable to the ease of the Kuota. this told me something HUGE: the actual material of the bike isn't as important to me as the comfort and control of the components that make up the bike. i don't know that i am heavy enough to feel the difference of the carbon vs. aluminum edge. all the better for me seeing as how aluminum is a whole hell of a lot cheaper than carbon. so at the end of this test ride, the Roo is at the top of the list...but its a damn heavy bike to carry around!

my second day of test rides was on Thursday and this was my finding (i only ended up doing one):

1) Giant Aeryn - the perfect bike for me! the stretch and seat angle were spot on, the components shifted like a fine tuned instrument (of kick ass metal that i will stealthily make use of on my attacks in future races), and the carbon/aluminum mix of frame makes the bike both light (only 14 lbs) and stable. i loved it! the feel of the weight between my legs, the ease of the turns, the wind in my hair...er, sounds like we're entering into a dirty porn - hahaha. ok, so you get the point, its was perfect. SOLD! i did have them upgrade the front derailleur to Ultergra so all of my components, except the petals and brakes which are 105's, are either Ultegra or Dura Ace. i also had them switch out the factory aero bars to the T2 Carbon...all in all, its a damn sweet ride and i can't wait to get on it and ride like the wind :)

what is it...

DISCLAIMER

sicky sicky

so much has happened since my last post: 1) i decided on the bike i am going to get 2) came down with some sort of gnarly sickness that caused me to sleep by the toilet Thursday night due to my constant barfing, stuck me in bed sleeping the entire next day only to send me back to the toilet the following day so it could all come out the opposite end...and i'm still sick 3 whole days later 3) picked up my new bike and 4) attended Coach's dad's memorial gathering Jason had planned for Sunday afternoon. i will attempt to not make this the longest post in the history of posts by only covering numbers 2 and 4...i will cover 1 and 3 in my next post :)

i have no idea what caused this wave of inexplicable nausea, vomiting, dehydration, coughing, 102 degree fever and diarrhea. it's like my body exploded in a matter of hours. i had been to see the sports chiropractor at CSM that afternoon to get some work done on that damned pinched nerve and hopefully get some work done on my IT and whatever else he deemed necessary. he delivered. he worked me every which way and by the time i left, i felt like a different person, well physically anyhow. he gave me strict orders to not do any runs over 6 miles until the marathon especially now that we are on schedule to taper, but that each of those runs needed to be fartlek style and none of them were to be back to back. he promises i won't lose any fitness this way and i will lessen the risk of injury if i keep my mileage down each time but do it more often. so looks like the plan will be a Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday fartlek run until race day. i left his office to go test ride my final companion for the next couple of years and then headed home. i wasn't all that hungry so i decided to stop and pick up some groceries at Trader Joe's and see if i felt like eating dinner by the end of it. i sat on it awhile and finally decided that i should eat bc i had been working out pretty hard this week and should be smart about fueling so i thawed out a piece of frozen salmon i had just purchased from TJ's and cooked up some steamed cauliflower and had some root chips to go with. that was at 8, by 11 i was barfing my brains out with a 102 temperature feeling more awful than i have ever felt in my entire life. like someone had come into my room and beat the living shit out of me, left, and then came back for some more. this must have been a 400 pound whale of a man too, bc this thing has laid me out like you couldn't believe. so that's where i've been since Thursday night at 11.

Sunday was the gathering for Coach's dad and although i was still feeling awful, i was better than i had been. i wouldn't have even dreamed of missing this. Coach Gurujan has given countless hours to each and everyone of us who has done a Team In Training event. he has unselfishly given his energy, guidance, support, mentor-ship, concern, comfort and most importantly his love. i can't give his generous nature or my gratitude justice with words. he is a great man who, don't get me wrong, has his own faults like the rest of us, but is so deep in his wisdom and so willing to share it that you just couldn't ask for a better friend on your side in this game of life. so missing this gathering was not an option. i went to church at 9, stopped to get Coach and i sandwiches and headed to the beach to hear him tell stories about his dad, Robert Henry Dourson. it was a gorgeous day, the water was a perfect 65 degrees and the breeze brought fresh life into our tired bones. Coach got to ride for the first time since his hip surgery and then i got to spend the rest of the afternoon listening to stories about his dad as an LA County Lifeguard, who obtained two PhD's - one in Mechanical Engineering and the other in Artificial Intelligence. he was an amazing man. it was great to hear Coach talk about him and it was great to spend the time with him again.

i was disappointed to not see my "old root group" of tri buddy's there. they have, after all, been with Coach as long as i have, if not longer...but i'm sure they all had good excuses for not being there to support him. i'm sure they were thinking about him. a good amount did show and that's what's important. you could see the pride in Coach's face and the gratitude he shared with each of us for being there for him as he has always been there for us. and although i am laid out in bed for another day, i wouldn't have missed it for the world.

OMG

it happened again! i actually got up and got myself to the pool this AM. still got lost, but it was only a 2 minute detour this time and i quickly found my way to the pool with a chuckle at my lack of directional proportion to anything. it was a surprisingly warm morning and the pool was a bit chillier than it was on Tuesday. i used to have a whole 5 to 10 minute whine session about getting in the 50 meter pool and how i wanted to swim in the "baby pool" that was an annoying 25 meters just so i could be warm...blah blah blah. in short, i have learned to suck it up and just jump in. i think the lifeguards recognized me from my poor showing two days prior and sort of sat up a little straighter so they could have a good view of the laugh riot about to occur. i do however feel that my stroke was MUCH smoother today and i was able to get into a groove. now whether or not that groove actually resembled what swimming should look like, i have no idea. i will need to find someone quite quickly to come and check out my stroke so that i am not practicing bad form for too long. its hard to break bad habits...in swimming, in relationships, in life.

the workout - 400 meter kick, 400 meter pull, followed by an 800 meter slow and steady (breathe every 5th stroke for the first 400, and every fourth stroke for the last 400), to end with a 50 meter sprint and a 50 meter recovery X 2, totalling 1800 meters...AWESOME!

it felt great. next week i will make sure to get to the pool earlier so i can do the above except extend the sprint/recovery set to X 4, rounding out an even 2000 meters. i love this thing they call tri ;)

the great bike debate

bikes. information about bikes. more bikes. test rides. more information about bikes. even more bikes. oy vey.

i have learned more about bikes since Monday than i ever thought possible. really guys...so much information has been crammed into my head. i now know what "components" are, 105 vs. Ultegra vs. Dura Ace, the benefits of carbon vs. aluminum, seat angles, aggressive and forward positions vs. road positions, top tubes...and the list goes on. i finally signed up for slowtwitch.com so i could inquire about opinions to the three main bikes i was contemplating in my price range. my fellow triathletes successfully answered the call. i mean, i just never knew so many people were so willing to take the time to sit there and type out paragraphs of information for you, spend time to send you links and give you advice...and none of them know me! fantastic! i love this thing they call tri and i love this forum that is so quick to help!

on Monday i had a certified fit session that cost me way too much money and had i known it was going to cost so much, i never would have agreed to it. but alas, the time was spent, the money was handed over and now i have a bunch of numbers on a piece of paper that are to decide my riding fate for the next couple of months or so. i keep telling myself that it was money well spent. i guess if i end up buying a bike from them, it will be bc that money will go towards my purchase.

[i should now take the time to note that i don't have the money to buy anything over $15, much less a $2K tri bike, but i cannot stand to not ride anymore. this marathon is tearing up my body and i had no idea how much i had been missing the saddle until i got on the fit cycle...oh man, i need a bike. my credit card company is about to be really happy with me, they may even send me "thank you" flowers.]

so JT recommended the following based off of my geometry and the angles i prefer to ride(apparantly i like to "ride big" which i was told by a new buddy from slowtwitch means that i prefer to ride low and aggressive. deep set with a 78 1/2 degree post angle. this, i am told, is a really good thing for tri):

1) Giant Aeryn

2) Jamis Trilogy

3) Felt S22

now, JT doesn't let people test ride bikes. that's apparently not how his shop works. you fit, you buy, you like...if you don't like, you return and they get you something else. in theory i suppose that could work, but i have never even been on a "real" tri bike. my last two bikes were roadies converted to tri bikes, so this is not a good feeling for me, to blindly buy something i have absolutlely no experience with whatsoever. so i called up Hank and he has me set up to test ride three of his bikes:

1) Kuota K Factor SL

2) Jamis Comet (they don't have the Trilogy in stock in my size)

3) QRoo Kilo

i ride at 530 tonight. i will let you know what i think. this is me VERY excited :)

the good, the bad and the ugly

the good - i got back in the pool today after more than a year of not swimming...not at all, not even putting my big toe in the water with the intention to use the freestyle stroke to get me in any direction...yeah, its been awhile. the alarm went off at 4:44 AM but i finally got up at 5:05 thinking if i just get there and in the water by 5:30, i should be good to go for an hour swim and still make it back in time to shower and get things settled for work. the plan was to do a 400 meter kick, 400 meter pull and a 1200 meter slow, steady swim.

the bad - i got lost on a 5 mile island....really?!?! i don't know how many times i have been to the Coronado pool, but apparently not enough to actually know where i am going. i arrived on the island by 5:15ish not to actually get to the pool until 5:40ish. how does that happen?! i was frustrated that i hadn't gotten directions, after all i could quite literally get lost in a dadgum shoe box. i had finally given up and was headed back in the direction i thought was home, but alas, i happened on the pool instead. God works in mysterious ways. i finally got my butt in the pool and moving by 5:45.

the ugly - and when i say ugly, i mean UUUG-LYEEE! can one forget how to swim? the answer is yes, absolutely. i could elaborate more on this show of utter hilarity that i am sure the poor lifeguards are still laughing about, but i will save myself the humiliation of putting it in words and let you imagine what a dying rolly polly looks like when he unexpectedly falls into a pool...disaster. i have A LOT of work to do on my stroke...its a good thing my first race back won't be until Wildflower Half of 2009. thank God i have all of that time to re-learn to swim and, God help me, improve!

i didn't get in all i had intended bc of my inaptitude to get anywhere by myself when it involves knowing exactly where i am going. so i cut the 1200 to an 800 to total my workout at 1600 meters but was happy with my showing, even if it was at the expense of my pride :) i ended the day with yoga at 7:15 PM after a long day at the office, and i'm planning on getting in another CP2 at 6:30 AM tomorrow to start the day as i have two test rides at Hi-Tech tomorrow evening:)

yes, you read that right, i am getting a bike...a real, bonafide tri bike. and yes, you can be VERY excited for me ;)

hell on earth

and i mean this in the most literal sense of the term. H - E - DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS! the morning started off well enough. i got to the train station early to make sure all tickets were in order. everyone showed up except one runner and we were off to load the train cars. what an eerie feeling it is to take a train 30 minutes in one direction with the intention of RUNNING back to where you started. okay, eerie may not be the best choice of words...i think crazy may cover it better.



we shot the shit on the way up, all of us trying not to think about what we were about to begin, our longest run to date - 20 miles. we exited the train and began to make our way through the massive crowd of fellow runners. it just so happens that the TNT RNR team in its entirety was also doing the exact same run, as well as two other run groups. it would be a nice race simulation had we waited to start along side them, but we took off before the other runners had even begun to gather to listen to last minute instruction. it was already 7:15 and we were anxious to get going.

Michael decided to take his own path straight down the coast to add on the extra 2 miles at the end of the run. we opted to tack on the mileage on the front end...there would be no way i could run past my car without veering off to greet it with open arms and impossible to not drive away in it without adding in the final two miles. this decision was the best i would make all day.

Elle, Alexis and I all began the run together and stuck beside each other for the first 4-5 miles or so. as the run stretched on, we broke apart and settled into our own runs and took it from there. i have to say here, thank God for IPods...really, thank you Lord for giving someone the idea to invent them. i know they are a puss way to train, but Lord, thank you...i had already started to hurt pretty badly in the good ole' knees and IT and we were only 6 miles into the run. this was going to be a lllooooooonnnnnngggggg day.

my nutrition was spot on, Accelerade the entire time in my run bottle along with 2 packs of shot blocks that i took about every 20 minutes. i felt great energy wise and cardiovascularly. i was stoked to be running this route but from here it turned into a mixture of complete awe and terror. i can't really go into too much detail bc as i hit Encinitas (the town before Solana Beach where our cars were), which i approximate to be about 6 miles out, i had tunnel vision. i have never in my entire life been in so much pain (read pain as "the most unimaginable struggle between body and mind you could possible fathom"). i had to stop and walk 3 times bc the pain was making me so nauseous. i literally had to walk to settle my stomach. the worst thing about it was that walking hurt almost as much as running, yet i was getting to my destination that much slower! its a crap deal when you know you could keep going at a strong pace, really put in some great miles in good time, but your body just won't allow it. i felt great except for the excruciating pain radiating throughout my lower body and up into my spine, which in turn, dispersed into my central nervous system, to be rerouted to every single inch of my physical being with every single step i took. it was like an electrical shock wave was sent coursing through my body with each pound of the foot. i made it through the last 4 miles in tears and a stream of Hail Mary's running through my mind. it took me just under 4 hours to complete the entire 20 miles (i think i may have ended up running slightly more than 20, as i was supposed to take a turn somewhere that takes you off the coast and shoots you somewhere up a distance or maybe that means i ran less, who knows). it was pure, unadulterated, unequivocal agony...

i've come to the conclusion that i may have a pinched nerve or something of the sort in my sacral area along with the screaming banshee that has been inhabiting my IT. i have an appointment with the sports chiropractor on Thursday. i am praying he can do something...I DID NOT MAKE IT THIS FAR TO QUIT NOW, NO WAY NO HOW!

dreams

i had a dream last night, not unlike any other night because i don't ever remember not dreaming

(just a note: i have a whole other life, a very active and strangely fierce life. in the hours when my eyes are closed, when my body looks relaxed, when i am supposed to be peaceful and serene, i am leading alligator riding expeditions, sail boat explorations in far reaching jungles, free falling jumps off bridges into sparkling lakes so clear you could fall straight through, never reaching the bottom, and see all the beauty the world has to behold on your trip down...to name a few)

...but this dream was a new dream. a dream that in the light of day i would never, could never think might actually happen, but last night...last night it did. there were a group of people surrounding me amongst a larger sea of anxious bodies. my immediate group was strangely compromised of my closest friends from grade school and we were all concentrated on one thing...the gun shot off and so did we, into the green murky mass of water set before us. suddenly we were on land again, like in a time warp, but feeling exhausted as we had been swimming for quite awhile, or so it felt...strangely ready for the next jaunt. i remember seeing my mom there, cheering me on with such a look of awe and wonderment that i smiled dorkily with a thumbs up as she waved me on...when i awoke i could still feel the tension of pure competition running through my veins, the burgeoning feeling of intense pride and no reservation for anything except the daunting but do-able task at hand. when i awoke i realized i was in the midst of completing my first Ironman race

...dreams; they're funny business, especially when they plant seeds of interest, doubt, excitement, fright and possibilities into your psyche. not that i am going to make any plans or do anything crazy...well in the foreseeable future anyway ;)

workouts this week

here's what has happened so far:

1) Monday - rest and attend Sport Endurance Lecture at Coastal with Dr. Martinez; very interesting session where i learned a bit more about how fat is utilized as an energy source in long distance events and endurance athletes and how it is superiorly efficient to glycolisis. other things were covered as well, but this is what has been on my research plate most recently so i was stoked to get information from a doctor who knows what he is talking about.

2) Tuesday - 4 mile run from Fiesta to De Anza and back without the orthotics in (Greg says he'd like me to start doing my shorter runs without them to see how it goes. he doesn't think i really need them, but that just stopping cold turkey might tweak something, so continue with them for the long runs...seems to be fine so far. this was my second short run without them in). Run felt pretty good, but also pretty slow. my energy was lacking. CP2 class: (Clea) A-MAZ-ING hour long sweat session that left me feeling revived and clear headed, not to mention soaked to the bone.

3) Wednesday - CP2 class: (Brad) hour long session, not quite as intense as last night's but still good. i felt extremely tired and completely worn out today, but the class helped me work some of that out. i felt great afterward and ready to get some rest.

here is what is to come:

1) Thursday - i am planning on a short 4 mile run from Fiesta to De Anza again. i am really tired today and feeling like recovery is not coming easily for my body. i think its because of the length of these past couple of long Saturday sessions. i think just running tonight should suffice and then to bed as early as possible.

2) Friday - CP2 class: (TBD)...

3) Saturday - 20 FREAKING, GOD FORSAKEN MILES OF PAVEMENT, FOLLOWED BY LOTS OF DRINKS OF THE ALCOHOLIC NATURE TO SUBDUE THE INEVITABLE PAIN I AM GOING TO INFLICT ON MYSELF...IS THIS THE DEFINITION OF MASOCHISM?! Lord have mercy on my body. please keep my legs long and strong, my mind sharp and focused, my spirit soaring and my sanity in tact...Amen.

4) Sunday - CP2 class (TBD if i can walk) and i am supposed to move today...oy vey in the most exasperating sense of the term

:)

i love you, i love you, i love you!

i know you have all heard it before - love at first sight. you just see all the good in one single package and all seems right with the world. this is how i felt the first time and i was so overwhelmed...i had never felt this way before, so relaxed, so at peace, so relieved to have finally found the one. i wasn't ready at the time to commit, but being there again last night, in that place i first met my match, brought it all back. i mean its a very liberating and serene feeling to be so connected. i feel like i've been searching all my life for the thing that balances me out, centers me in a way that doesn't bring me down or hold me back, but instead lifts me up and allows me to see the strength in myself. i love you for the insight you have brought into my life. i love you for making me sweat more than i ever thought i could. i love you for stretching me to new heights and pushing me beyond my limits - physically and emotionally. you bring clarity and tranquility to my very stressful and hectic life. i love you for pushing me along and helping me to become the person i want to be....Core Power Yoga, i love what you do to me ;)

conclusions

DISCLAIMER

Sunday Funday

so today is our day to drink and relax and catch up. Dana and i have quite effectively been able to accomplish this almost every single weekend since i moved out of Normal Heights. i have to admit, it's my favorite day of the week.

it always begins with church at 730AM. i love the priest at this mass and because i can't ever sleep in past 630, i figure i should go take advantage of his fantastic sermons. did i also mention that this quite possibly may be the most beautiful Catholic church i have ever stepped foot in? St. Gregory's; its amazing and i feel closer to God just being there. i should note here that i am not a super religious person, at all, but since the big break, i have felt better going to mass regularly again. i need it. i've always needed it. i was just too busy to notice...

then i usually make myself breakfast after stopping by Starbucks on my way home and read through the bulletin. then Dana comes over and we partake in mimosas (i think we decided yesterday to switch it to Bloody Mary's - more nutritious) and sun bathing by the pool. sometimes Brian is there, but mostly he's not and Dana and i have the entire afternoon to talk or sleep or just be happy hanging out in the silence of the hot sun. we have been known to add fun "field trips" to these laid back Sunday's. Field trip one - La Jolla on Easter Sunday for late lunch/early dinner. Field trip two - On the Border for yummy salads and margaritas (too dehydrating for our liking). Field trip three - adult book store for fun toys. which brings us to this week's Sunday Funday...

downtown to hang out at Nicky Rottens (fantastic ORGANIC food and pretty good Bloody Mary's, although we had to add a good amount of Cholula to our "extra spicy" order). then over to Victoria's Secret where we tried on sexy bras and i had to help Dana find the right size strapless to hold her very voluptuous chest :) if you want to hear more about that fun dressing room rendezvous, you'll have to ask her ;) then finally off to On the Border to watch the Stars game and drink at least 6 glasses of water a piece to rehydrate our parched asses (i don't know that i have ever felt that thirsty in my life. i literally could not get enough water in me).

another great Sunday Funday to add to the repertoire...thanks DanBan :)

Saturday Runday

so we were scheduled to run our 2nd to last long run yesterday, an 18 miler from Shelter Island to the Convention Center and back. i was semi looking forward to it mainly because it's a distance i've never even contemplated before. this was going to be a true test of my will, my strength and my pain thresh hold.

i woke up early, got in my morning stretch and core routine and headed out the door; i still had to pick up ice and water before heading down to meet everyone. Abby was slated to do the first 2 SAG stops and then Emma was going to come and meet her at the 3rd and finish it off. BOD was out of town for Wildflower (can i tell you how bummed i was to be missing my all time favorite race?) so i was in charge of the whole shebang. the course was supposed to be chalked for us, but Krista (the office manager of SDRI) called at the last minute to let me know she wasn't going to do it (surprise surprise). it ended up being fine though because i printed out step by step turns so everyone had something to go by during the run. i ended up walking out of the house without my run bottle (oy vey) so had to turn around and get it. i got to the start about 15 minutes late and Abby got to us 15 more minutes after that (thank God MAO wasn't there, he'd have fired us both!). we were finally off and running by 7:32.

the run itself ended up being a really great route. the scenery and breeze off the water made the distance and heat bearable. i decided to stick with Alexis for this run for 2 reasons - 1) i know that she absolutely hates running by herself and since Jenn wasn't there to do it with her, i thought she might need the encouragement and 2) we have both been having gnarly knee problems so i thought we could use each other for support when the run got tough...AND IT SOOOOO DID...

SAG couldn't have been worse. because of the Red Bull Air Races taking place downtown, they had a lot of streets marked off and shut down for automobile traffic. Abby was successful in getting to the first SAG area but didn't make any other ones through the rest of the run. BRUTAL. Alexis and i were seriously hurting with about 6 miles left in the run. i kept looking over at her with a huge smile and yelling "Alexis, we are going to do 18 miles! We are almost there! We're really gonna do this!" silly me, we were still a good 6 miles out. then it hit me in an all of sudden fast ball to the gut. i didn't even see it coming. i had been taking my shot blocks throughout the run (one every 20 minutes or so) plus drinking my Accelerade from my run bottle, but i had been dry for the past couple of miles and WHAM! i could feel the wall coming straight at me. i know most walls don't actually move, but this was a magic wall, with arms and legs and it was making a bee line straight for me. Alexis had been hurting for awhile before i even started thinking about it. she only had water on her the whole run and one PowerGel. i kept telling her that her and Jenn had to get better about nutrition on the course or they would be miserable come race day. both of them have issues about taking in the proper amount of calories on our long runs. i can't really say too much as i was horrible with nutrition before i met paul. i really tried to bring home the importance of it on this run. Alexis' eyes looked sunk in and her spirits were really low. we needed SAG in a bad way.

we came up the hill over by the spot where they have the San Diego International transition area set up and began the small climb over the bridge. out of the corner of my eye i saw Emma make a U-Turn and start heading back down the hill to meet us. i can't quite tell you how happy i was at that moment. i nudged Alexis and pointed. she nodded her head and we continued down the hill towards our soon to be happy place. Emma was out of the car and ready with fresh Accelerade and ice water, Alexis and i were drinking and eating like the poor starved Ethiopian children you see on the Discovery Channel. it was a sight to behold. i think Emma might have had a golden aura around her at this moment because she definitely saved us. the best part about it was that she happened to stop right in front of the Naval Anti Terrorist Warfare Training Center. a naval officer walked out slowly to greet us, gun in hand. so as we are stuffing our faces, this poor guy pops over from the side of the car and is like "you have to move! what are you doing?!" we were like, oh please officer, we have been running a really long time without support (like he knew what that meant) and we just need to refuel. please, we're almost done..." as we continued to rip open bags of this and pour cups of that. it was great. he went on to watch us in amazement and made Emma pack it up and move it out as soon as our greedy little bodies had gotten what we needed. we started off anew and waved fondly at the officer who decided to have pity on us.

the last 4 miles or so were awful. neither one of us could talk. when we finally hit the last mile home stretch, all i could do was concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. i was in excruciating pain. every step felt more than awful. my IT was not just screaming at me, it was taking a knife and stabbing me to try and get me to stop. i learned two things on this run - 1) i have the strength and will of a cougar and 2) it is not wise to have an unreliable SAG-er on an 18 miler.

we were both a little overwhelmed at the end of the very long morning run. we ended up finishing in 3 hours 40 minutes (almost a full hour after the first group of runners) and luckily Emma stayed to the end to see us through. i just have to say thank God she was there. i couldn't stop telling her thank you and how much it meant to have her there. i was delirious at this point and Alexis and i just sort flopped down onto the grass near our cars and miraculously started stretching for the next 20 minutes or so. i gave her some instructions for the rest of the day - hydrate, stretch, hydrate, rest and hydrate...oh and hot tub to get the blood flowing into our injuries so it could start to bring the healing nutrients to the spots that were needing it most.

all in all, not looking forward, not in the least, to the 20 miler next weekend. not one iota...

Barney Butter...mmmhhhmmm :)

to rival Denner's blog about Smart Balance Peanut Butter, i felt it necessary to make a shout out to my new found morning snack Barney Butter. i can't eat peanut butter because it gives me a gnarly headache and usually a stomachache. i was eating almond butter quite regularly about a year ago, but because my digestive system has been so compromised due to my gluten allergy, i wasn't having the best of luck with the normally very rough texture. my body just wasn't able to process it and digest it like it needed to. so i stopped eating it, but today people, today i have found the holy grail. this almond butter not only tastes great, it's as smooth as a baby's bottom. literally guys...its just as smooth as peanut butter (meaning that my body will not have nearly the issues it has with the tried and true almond butter from Whole Foods and Trader Joe's) but it's made from almonds! i am stoked to say the least and happy to report that my almond butter consumption is back on the rise :) now to get to that "efficiently burning fat as fuel" trend up and running...