Wednesday, May 21, 2008

it's time

let me just start by saying that when i sit to write in my blog, i use it as a very personal healing tool. i do try to make it somewhat witty, enjoyable and endearing on the very off chance that someone might happen upon it and take the actual time to read it, but mainly i write because its what i know how to do. it helps me work out and through my feelings of sadness, heartache, confusion and despair in hopes of finding the beauty, serenity, peace and calmness that comes from taking in life for all that it is, all that its worth and all that it is meant to be. the past couple of years have dealt me lessons that i believe no one should have the displeasure of ever experiencing, lessons that everyone learns from and lessons that could have been avoided by a simple right turn instead of the left one i decided upon. i guess that's how life works - a multitude of paths and principles that merge and lead to the one single pebble lined road along a green grassy knoll high atop a beautiful mountain pass that is your life, where you are able to take in the cleansing pure air of the present, relinquish the purposeful yet suppressing air of the past and look out upon the vast openness that can be and will be your future, when you decide to take it, however slowly or quickly you wish to proceed, as long as you remember that it inevitably will, proceed that is. so the sooner you are able to harness that feeling of pure energy and excitement and ride this beast called life, taking the reigns to lead it where you want to be, the closer you'll be to finding that thing that completes you, and isn't that what we all strive to do...?

so, i am happy to report that i am finally feeling like a human being again. yesterday started out to be what i thought was a day of finally feeling normal again, but after not being able to keep down my breakfast wrap or my lunch smoothie or anything solid for that matter in 5 days, i had resigned to the sickness for yet another day...until i decided to go to yoga. i wasn't too sure it was the best idea seeing as how i had consumed maybe a total of 1,000 calories over that 5 day period, but i knew i had to do something to get this crud out of my system. in the past whenever i have been sick, sweating it out was my go to and has rarely failed me in getting through whatever it is that ails me. the thing that made me leery this time is that i have never in my life been this sick...ever. but alas, i am impatient, so waiting this monster out was just not cutting it anymore and if it's worked before, what's to stop it from working now? nothing, i concluded and headed over to the Hillcrest studio to attempt to catch, strangle and stifle, punch and kick, attack and kill the sicky that has consumed me for far too long. AAAAAAATTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

i told Clea about how sick i had been just in case i happened to attack this thing too aggressively resulting in a death in the midst of what's supposed to be her very invigorating and tranquil Core Power 2 session. like a "save your ass" clause so she would know what the delirious child like form in the back of the room was up to. she softly smiled and laid a gentle hand on mine to assure me i would be fine. i will take a moment to describe this woman because i believe her spirit is worth mentioning. she is a bit taller than i, maybe about 5'5" but a goddess of a woman with a perfectly sculpted body of pure muscle and finesse. her long brown hair is always pulled back into a neat pony tail with a simple rubber band to keep it from dangling in her eyes. but her spirit is what grabs you. when she talks, its a very strong yet soft tone that sings to your soul and heightens your awareness. you listen to what she is saying but more importantly to what wisdom she is imparting to you. you can see that she lights a flame in the eyes of all of us, a different size in each of the students who attend her class. her technique isn't to push us but to gently reach up under us, as if we were delicate flowers of all sorts, and set us atop of some new height we have yet to ascend. she feels with her words and guides with her touch. she stayed near me throughout the entire class, assisting me so that each posture was deeper than the previous and the healing blood was able to blaze through my being and overwhelm whatever it was that was holding me back from getting better. it was a release that i had yet to experience through my yoga practice. and at the end, just as if she were perfectly in tune with my aura, with what i needed to hear, she reminded us "you are exactly where you are meant to be, right now, in this exact moment, this is right where you are supposed to be. trust in that. trust in the fact that you are who and what and where the universe wants you to be. trust." i cried. right there in the middle of downward dog, tears streaming down my face as i released a huge part of sadness that had been weighing on my heart for the past couple of months, waiting to detonate like a nuclear bomb. sweet sweet release, like just simply cutting the tether and sending it out to float amongst the atmosphere, no longer threatening to completely demolish my inner sanctity.

no matter how painful it has been, it has brought me to this exact moment, and in this exact moment i can only go one way from here. this is not to say my heart is magically mended and the world is a bright shiny place where people don't betray or lie or cheat, but it is to say that i have surrendered the chaos and the pain and the relentless wondering over in trade for a much needed rest of the soul. trust - its a powerful word that in the wrong hands can do irreversible damage, that is, if you let those hands guide it. trust - its a powerful word that in the right hands can work miracles and pull you from ground zero into the light of a sparkling day where the possibilities are endless, if you guide it...

oh yeah, and i ate TWO bowls of homemade chicken soup that i whipped up right after class (organic chicken broth, spices, bean sprouts, shredded broccoli stalks, chicken breast and sliced carrots). it was like nectar from the gods and it healed me :)

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